The Rose Update: Villan’s gotta vil

So much build up for yet another episode without a rose ceremony! What gives C Harrison?!
Lets face it even with the borderline inappropriate “brokeback mountain” commercial prelude ABC couldn’t do much to increase viewer attention this week off more pressing news like Caitlyn Jenner and the Farmer Chris and Whitney breakup.
KOOPAH TROOPA gets all Jekyll and Hyde on us and creeps out all of America ruining any chances of getting a date post production. Trying to act like he’s not crazy and continue on his rant he starts talking to what looks like nobody with no producer or camera man in any of the on screen shots. Looks as if he’s talking to a bush which made me slightly miss Onion Girl for a hot second. I digress. Take your drink in the car buh byeee.
onion girl 2
The episode starts with the exit of Daniel and Cory(no E) ceremony, constantly a rose ceremony behind because people are kicking themselves off the show faster than Kaitlyn can. Cory had no chance because Kaitlyn couldn’t be bothered with trying to remember who spelled their name with the E or without the E (both are Cory/ey S). More importantly please tell me why Business Insider News has nothing better to publish!?
The sumo date was just ruined by the zen warrior of love and gypsy lifestyles. Who thankfully sent himself packing to go back to talking to his bonsai trees that he probably  missed more than Britt being the bachelorette.
Tony wanted us (and Kaitlyn) to see so badly what’s inside his heart. If Tony continued with the Sumo date this is what we would have witnessed.
TOny Sumo
And for the first time ever as Tony stacks his luggage at the door I think we got a real glimpse that these fools don’t show up on the show with the mini carry on bag they tote away in the limo.
Ben Z gets the solo date where we learn that Kaitlyn is extremely afraid of birds despite the fact that she has them tattooed on her arms. Isn’t it ironic….don’t ya think!?
So because of her lame fear of birds we miss out on the typical “over coming fears” date and bypass another episode with helicopters or jumping off cliffs.  Fast forward to the at home part of this date I am putting money on it that Ben Z is the person Kaitlyn takes it “too far” with while ABC slutshames her into tears thinking what she did is awful and wrong.
Bachelor Nation challenge is to start a campaign #makebenzcry. We all know the second he said he didn’t cry in 11 years ABC and Chris Harrison were like somebody get to Costco quick and get more whiskey. Challenge accepted.
I can’t even take the group date teaching the sex ed class serious knowing it’s a bunch of kid actors who parents have no morals or shame. Here is what I think about group date # 2.
Screen Shot 2015-06-01 at 8.53.02 PM
Ben H who is my dark horse of the show obviously showed the boys what being a man is really about
unnamed
Now for the 3rd most talked about thing this week after Caitlyn Jenner and the Soules breakup: The Clint JJ love affair.
I really don’t have much to say on this topic but ABC better be really careful with what they say and or how they edit the clips to not upset the gay community.
This is going to be a total game changer and controversy. It’s super F’d that Clint is playing the vil to stay and play snake charmer with JJ but I mean what other drama do we have going on to keep us entertained. Eees ok I guess.  But seriously tell me how at age 27 and 33 (esp in today’s open world of gay rights) Clint surprises himself falling in love for a man and so confidently embraces his success story and believing in the process. Something seems off here…like no moment of hey what is going on with these new feelings I never had!?
Should make for a good next episode. Too bad I’ll be on the road again but will try to do my best to watch no later than 24 hours behind to keep up with Bachelor Nation.
Hey yo, willans gotta vil (WTF?!)
Best Dressed: Joes covered nut
villians

The Rose Update: Better late then never

Let’s just get to the point here as I am 3 days late on posting. I knowwww! You don’t need to remind me, the jewish guilt I inflict on myself is enough suffering and remorse. Something that has never been an emotion or dynamic on the Bach probably since Jason Mesnick gave the final rose to what was soon to be his runner up.

This weeks episode was yet another awful cliff hanger where Harrison and ABC decide not to end with a final rose ceremony.

Koopah Troopa concluded the show with the status quo of sending off a minority in week 2 or 3 all on his own. I am going to start today’s post with the show finale becasue that was by far the best part.  Koopa Troopa makes a mockery of himself and gets angry black womman on all of America.

But I don’t want to goooooo!

Crazy ANgry

He tells the men what matters most is that he is not being given a rose to meet the minority quota and then creates super awkward comments dancing around the topic with Kaitlyn. Dude…regardless of whether she actually likes you or not you unfortunately would have gotten a rose with at least 30% ABC influence on the minority factor.  Get over it. It’s national TV that requires ratings.

Koopa Troopa next time try and not win your fight with anger or moves that worked for you in Junior High. Telling a girl she is dope, hot and sexy and then ask to pound it out with a fist bump will put you in the fast lane to friend zone.

pound it out

Induced by some alcohol Koopa Troopa continues to make a mockery of the situation and pounds his drink. With every sip I cringe out of angst and discomfort for the entire crew around watching this.

Dude why couldn’t you be like Marquel and just find a little humor in all this.

 is black a color? tumblr_n6mh4e0yN21qaa163o2_540

Koopa Troopa do us all a favor and…

GTFO

Ok now to the rest of the animals on Noah’s Ark that are there for the “right reasons“. Sigghh oh man that music video will never get old to me. Sooo good!

For anyone that doesn’t get the ark reference you have to start tuning into the HuffPost podcast Here to Make Friends. Editors from the HuffPost gossip about the contestants and beautifully paint the cast in pairs of two like Noah’s Ark: Corey, Ben, Josh, Ryan and Shawn.

The group dates were a bust, literarily. Putting men you potentially want to marry in a ring to slaughter other men is the dumbest idea. Why do people think seeing how they would stand up to a strong blow to the head is a good indicator of how he will stand up for his woman!?!? Till death do us part.  Such an ugly and unjust battle that I still can’t believe ABC lets happen. Harrison, put your hospital bill money toward more helicopter rides.

WE WANT MORE HELICOPTERS!

Who knew Jared had some punches in this game. According to the commercials and previews showing the weeks to come it looks like he might be in the running longer than his whispy hair and patchy beard has misled me to believe.

Clint surprisingly gets the first 1:1 date. Seriously, Clint who?! Thank you @eseawell3 for reminding me. 

Screen Shot 2015-05-28 at 8.19.28 AM

Clint I give you to top 6-8 but if you go past that then I really need to brush up on my Kimmel skills.

The best part of the second group date was Amy Schumer. Love that woman. To be expected the jokes were awful and Tony’s act now explains his black eye. JJ only did well because he followed Tony and ABC probably did some massive editing. I definitely wanted more from KY man.

micdrop

Still my top pics remain as: Ian Ben H and Shawn B

Best Dressed: Tanner’s Ankles

Best Tweet: 

Screen Shot 2015-05-25 at 9.52.46 PM

– Congrats @marladepew

Best quote: Anything that came out of Amy Schumer’s mouth on the group date especially when talking to the smug and obnoxious JJ.

The Rose Update: Who wants to get horned up with me?!

Thanks for your patience readers. I am back from hiatus.
Taylor Swift, You Wrong! Two is not better than one.

Lets be real the dual for the hot seat and the subjection to weeks of men doing things for the “right reason” has nothing to do with the fact that Chris Harrison didn’t know how to split the vote between the men in the casting call equally liking Britt vs Kaitlyn. Bachelorette seasons never get strong ratings in comparison to the Bachelor.

Last Bachelorette Andi had worse ratings that the degrading latin lover Juan Pabs.
Even at Juan Pablos lowest moment after speaking poorly of gay men had episode ratings with 2.3 million more viewers.

I mean let’s be honest, I don’t (and I hope most of you reading apply here) watch the show to see a bunch of men fight for 1 woman’s attention. The girl drama is where all the meat and train crashing occurs. Episode one and two for the Bachelorette are typically the best until they kick off the drunk assholes. Which already happened in part 1 of a seriously unnecessary 2 part premier.

POOL FALL

Sean Lowe I’m sorry I’m not sorry you are disgusted with this and find it super degrading.

Chris Harrison and ABC have to do what they do best, create fabricated love stories with enough drama to keep ratings high. After all folks it is a business….do you think ABC really is ok with forking up the bill to fairytale seasons with no drama year after year?! We all want more helicopter rides and less overnight trips to Bakersfield, no? It’s this or finding out that The Bachelor now has a go fund me page.

Real love here fabricated by ABC producers, 1800flowers and Neil Lane!

Ok so remember that one time I compared Kaitlyn to Crazy Eyes and Britt a Hollywood whore looking for her next break? Awkward moment but here we are.

Now that being said…off with her head! Britt needs to go. You know that girl in high school you hated for no apparent reason and felt like a bad person for thinking such cruel things about a person?! Yeah….

BRITT

And now some of the most memorable moments before we enter yet another possibly dull Dorfman season.

Before Tuesday night I’m like

Screen Shot 2015-05-18 at 10.15.41 PM

Tonight’s episode minute 1: I’m like when I hear my neighbors across the street in their living room hollering and clapping at a good play that just happened watching Sunday football.

Going back to all the hate and degrading comments about having 2 women…don’t doubt men too much. A pretty face only speaks so much. Class prevails. And Kaitlyn is one class act with the mouth of a sailor. Love!

Picking my top 3 is harder this go around with most of my attention last night on which woman would prevail. The guesses of who will go and stay were based on last nights show to honor my tradition of unsolicited wins of finding the real love.

Men that will get the insta-cut or the 3 day grace period to have some PC class.
Jonathan + a kid and King Koopah Yes I know this is F’d but it’s the truth.
Ian has a chance because he has a sad story…but also because I actually think I might like this guy.

king koopah

Joshua maybe will maybe won’t make it. If it were Britt, 100% no. What goes against him is his Farmer Chris hometown… Which also really begs the question: Where is ABC recruiting men from that they can’t ever find people from real cities with a population of 2 traffic lights +?!

Josh (Not Joshua) Mr “I’m waiting for my final curtain call” when really he is the man behind the curtain. If you don’t get my reference urban dictionary this bad joke.

Jared will not have a chance until he brushes or cuts his hair….and maybe he gets a real grown up job. But after seeing the preview for rest of season baffled by how far it looks like he will make it.

Shawn E – Sorry dude. Nobody likes a wet noodle. But 10 points for creativity.

Clint and David– wait who are you and where did you come from in part 2?

Best Match: Match that should be made post production: Onion Girl and Plant Whisperer, Tony

Cupcake Chris seriously …. amazing

cupcake

Best Comments: All horned up. Need I say more?

Men to be on the lookout for / top picks:

Could Ben H be our dark horse this season?
She wants to puck JJ for sure!
Shawn B if she can get past the sex appeal and touching in the first 5 mins…but hey who am I to talk.
Ian B
Ben H

What I’m most excited for in the upcoming episodes!? Amy Schumers guest appearance!!

Oh and one cool tid bit…the hotel Brady gets dropped off at to meet Britt is the hotel that got me started in my career and my first real big girl job. So crazy but cool to see that. That’s all.

Ok on that note. Time to get a life until next Monday.

Britt Crying

The Rose Update: Wilted Rose

To my dedicated readers and those that only watched the show to be able to enjoy and follow my commentary (Mom I’m talking to you)….

Sometimes life throws your interesting turns in the road that take you off the one you commute every day. Sometimes you have to just go with it and appreciate the new scenery out the window. Sometimes that road takes you to amazing places and sometimes it’s just another road. And now I just sound super cryptic ; )

This is the first season I feel I have failed you and my passion to creatively write and bash on what some call the best worst version of reality tv brought to us since Real World when reality tv was actually reality tv. That time when things were unscripted and not prompted by a gaggle of producers and “bachelor buddies”.

For those of you that follow me on other forms of social media you see my IG and FB news feeds are flooded with #slomeawayfromhome photos and journeys. My life right now is consumed with exciting and new things that have made it nearly impossible for me to be sitting still Monday nights at 8pm. I feel a blog post 2 or 3 days late is not a true blog post and just a poorly timed rant that nobody will read.

I am sorry for those that sit at their desk Tuesday morning looking for their next fix of The Rose Update. I am still watching the show on very delayed schedules with On Demand in between airplanes (or even on airplanes, but I think the lady next to me was definitely judging me for buying it on iTunes and watching it on the plane).

For now I may have to admit to myself (and you all here publicly) that I need to take a break from writing this season in order to not trip on my own two feet in front of me with this roller coaster of work and personal life. I promise you, you have not lost the fan in me. I will try and write if I can more sporadically and make a big come back next season. Who knows maybe I will start blogging from the road on other non related bach cap topics.

Please don’t loose faith and keep the dream alive with the #farmerandtheho.
And please keep sharing all the great articles and gifs.

Now back to the fog……

Rose Update: When pool parties get depressing

My sincere apologies for missing last weeks post. Hey sometimes real life takes over and you can’t fulfill all your personal obligations. But boy what a week it was. Andi and Josh breakup, Emily Maynard gets knocked up and Nick Viall ironically posts this awkward article on breakup tips one week before the demise of Andi and Josh.

monday

Jimmy Kimmel sets the stage with what America has been doing for years at this point. A dollar jar is now in play for whenever someone says the word “awesome”. This has been in play in households all over the United States for seasons past except dedicated Bachelor Nation’ers replace the dollar jar with shots. Too bad the hens on the show are already drunk without the extra needed shots and move to more tame games with dollars. ABC showed all their cards with the very first one on one date including a helicopter ride so they are most likely in need of some extra funds. Next season watch Chris Harrison announce at commercial break there is a crowd funding page to send the drama queens on an overnight stay that includes helicopters, something to conquer a fear like jumping out of the helicopter and of course the closer…..a B list music group.

Thank you Jimmy….
jimmy-fallon-jay-leno-thank-you-notes-nbc-2

First up for on a 1:1, Kaityln. 
Arriving at Costco, disgust and horror on Kaitylyn’s face quickly fades once she realizes she can make out in a blow up hamster wheel in the middle of the men’s underwear section and the lady sampling mini hot dogs. They have a “normal” date with Jimmy as he awkwardly sits in on every move making the entire date evidently 100% made up.  Kaitlyn’s bloodshot drunk eyes lead her to say some of the most absurd comments and cackles….oh the cackle…half of comments I believe are her counteracting the presence of 2 men in attempt to try to be a smart ass…except it doesn’t go over so well and just makes her look and sound like a dude. From experience men love to keep around the girl that is fulfills their “dude” role with benefits and boobs but he never marries them.

I call BULLSHIT on so many things that come out of her mouth:

  • Chris: My life is not glamorous. Kaitlyn: That’s what I like about you – BULLSHIT (Said in McConaughey voice)
  • When I dated farmers in the past…ok just one farmer…and he worked with animals…but I like this farmer. BULLSHIT  couldn’t have said it better “Dating a guy who grows pot in his dorm room is not the same as dating a farmer, Kaitlyn.
  • I will not be angry if he sleeps with other women in the fantasy suite because you can’t buy the car without test driving it. BULLSHIT. What planet do you live on?

“This date is totally unrealistic. There are only 5 Costcos in all of Iowa. ” – 

Jimmy puts the girls to work on their group date which leads to more “amazing” faces of disgust and confusion. Frankly, it’s not like any of these girls have real jobs or know what hard work is.

There is so much irony in this date I can’t contain myself.

charrison

Jillian sports a shirt that says “Stay Classy” yet her poontang and ass is hanging out so much so that it requires getting the black bar. This might be the first season that has had this much post production sensory editing (must watch that link) Well on wardrobe fails at least.

One of the girls (didn’t catch who) claims that Jillian’s ass hanging out at minimum grabbed the attention of the cows….um they are goats.
And for the other lactose free nameless girl that I can’t recall (I swear there are people on tonight’s episode that crept in the back door), I hate to break it to you but if you are lactose intolerant you can probably handle goats milk.
Amber beautifully sets herself up to not receive a rose tonight and says “It’s warm and salty. Not things I like in my mouth”. There are so many inappropriate things I could say here but will leave it to the imagination of my viewers and the producer that kindly ran from behind the camera to tell Chris what what just went down so he can make a sound decision at the rose ceremony.  Bro’s before Ho’s. #Farmerandtheho
After the competition there are some intense claws that come out for 2 mins of Chris’ attention. Jade steals him away and shows him some fake side boob in stilettos and locks herself in for the next few weeks.
And of course the best screenshot moment of the date goes to #oniongirl when she hears Chris tell the ladies who the group date rose is going to: Carly.
IMG_3767

 

 
Onward and upward, the second 1:1 date with Whitney is amazing because the cameras were not close enough to pick up the piercing tone in her voice. However, I actually did enjoy this date albeit 100% set up. I mean think about it…if it were real people and a real wedding everyone one of those guests would have had to sign an NDA or some legal documents.

Matching in pink (barf) to getting dressed up in wedding attire was not staged at all….I would love to have known what the “original date plan” was that required so fancy attire to be brought along in their limo from the house. Exactly, no alternate plan was slated.
OMG she did not just say YOLO in reference to pulling the trigger on crashing the wedding. Deal breaker.
 ed51db8b592293a16f7b160643cc0814ddc443a5c8894638c958fd44c4d86786

It’s only fair that any date should come to an abrupt halt and end if the other person uses “YOLO” seriously. Or at all really  – @kendramckenzie

Do not trust any man that laughs so hard at a women that uses YOLO.

Commercial break brings us back to ABC’s more recently discovered moment of glory: Pool Party before the final rose.
seal1-1024x853
Wet sloppy drunk women worried about their make up running always and playing chicken fight in the pool (oh the irony there of hens playing chicken fight) makes for easier decisions than talking to women in fancy evening gowns with cocktails.

In literal terms the bachelor would look more like this:

Family-in-pool

Who told Juelia that a pool party is the perfect place to share serious stories about suicide.  Just a awkward and sad all at once. And was Chris even paying attention or was he more concerned with why so many women are wearing sparkly head apparel on this episode. I think I am going to start a tally for the bad accessory trend.

Tears and fears leads us to the Rose Ceremony. 
Chris #fail moment when he says Jade instead of….yeah locked in for the potential final 3
And the 3 that go home:
  • Trina – just because she looked like a train wreck
  • Tracy – who?!
  • Amber – gets the 3rd episode tump from ABC as they can move on and did their due diligence on the culturally diverse quota .

Good bye ladies!

 Screen Shot 2015-01-20 at 7.34.44 AM
Next week on the bachelor…..wait what!? 2 Virgins?
Agghhh can’t contain myself.

The Rose Update: #Farmerandtheho

Queue the live pinterest scenes and stick in the newly chiseled (ABC requirement) Chris Soules, #princefarming: Rustic yet renovated barn scenes, motorcycles in corn fields, outdoor showers, drop in 30 women and there you have it folks … #farmerandtheho

img-What-Not-to-Miss-Iowa-Native-Makes-Debut-as-The-Bachelor

Per the 2013 census Arlington, Iowa has 416 residents. 20.6% are ages 25 to 44 years old. The gender makeup of the city in 2013 was 49.4% male and 50.6% female.

I’m no mathematician but I believe that means only about 42 women are in town (-) the married ones (-) the 40+ (-) not so cute (-) those with profiles on farmersonly.com = better odds finding an ice cream man in Arlington.

The drunk hot mess, first night lip locking, and exit scenes clearly happening the next morning when the sun is rising leads us to believe it will be season full of great material to write on #Therightreason

3 hours lost of my life that I will never get back!
Here are tonights highlights as the hens exit the limo (skipping some of the more dull moments and ladies that are not so memorable):

limo

Britt Let’s be honest a waitress from LA is just looking for her next hollywood break, and maybe an awkward public free hug movement. She will make it further than she should but not to the final 3.  Called it on the first impression rose too…I mean obviously.

Whitney the fertility nurse could be a strong front runner I really hope that ABC can’t fund anymore helium tanks for her to suck down before she speaks.

eggs fert
Kelsey – Another strong contender with a sad story on her side makes her more real and “normal” than the show know’s what to do with. Let’s pray for some good editing here and some Charlene like qualities.

Megan – He likes her look – has a chance but can’t tell yet if she will go to the end…so just saying it here incase she does I can have some street cred
McKenzie – Wearing a green dress in honor of her son, dress provided by Kale’s 5 year old girl friend down the street who bedazzled it with a glitter glue stick.

McKenzie’s son in 20 + years.

Unknown

Amanda – Lives with mom and likes not paying bills…She’s like every other Jewish man still on jdate.

Trina  is prob too smart for Iowa. Finished grad school twice with a 4.0.
Regan  is a biohazard waiting to happen
Tara  the sport fishing enthusiast is probably the most equivalent job to the dog lover and free spirit 2 season ago.  Main difference is that her sports team consists of 3 men: Jack, Johnny and Jim. Tara strolls in her daisy dukes that requires a murph adjustment as she tries to strut her way up the driveway before getting seriously mugged by the judgy ladies and running out the door to change.

Ashley S Let’s just hope the producers told him he has to keep her around a little longer…because I have nothing else nice to say.

B6ovNbZCQAAl3xs

According to abc.com
Amber can’t live without: teddy bear (and she will leave with her teddy bear)
Nikki can’t live without: carrots (wtf!?)

Ashley I – definite friend zone – wait who is she again? I already forgot. Oh the proclaimed virgin that ties the old scrunchie around the fantasy suite door knob?! Explains the awkward limo exit. Another telling sign is when interviewed on the bachelor website:
“If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do?”
Make him amazing cheeseburgers and watch football with him because that would be fun for me and him.

Last time I checked that is not what impressed my man.

Kaitlyn who will plow the fuck out of his fields will forever more be called Crazy Eyes

lead_large-2

Alissa I am going to call it now….Alissa is going to be one the most annoying contestants on the show. Def not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Jordan  I think I might like her if she can stay around long enough. Not sure why but I always trust a girl with a guys name. Maybe it’s because there are less changes for having “i”s to dot with hearts and claim stripper status. Too bad Tara probably stole her mini whiskey bottles.
Brittany – I mean not sure what happened to her in the wardrobe room but love that she admits online her biggest date fear is violent diarrhea…not just diarrhea but violent.
Bo Whoa ABC reaching new quotas enough said
Michelle has two kids and is from Provo Utah so we can probably guess she will be shunned from the church for being on the show and have melt down at some point that she misses her kids and or is breaking her morals and oath to god by some nasty act on the show. Bring it.
Kara – Windsor Fashion called and would like their dress back! 
And the quote of the night: “Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? To find a tight seal” – Kaitlyn

Struggling on the Final 3 per usual but since I have been pretty good the past 2 seasons with guesses I wasn’t sure about…….Here they are #Forthewin

  • Kelsey
  • Whitney
  • Jade
  • Maybe Megan……agghhhh this season I can’t get my finger on the pulse.

Jimmy make me proud this year – Let’s get our picks right together!

tumblr_n1arz6LGte1r1mpi1o1_500

The Rose Update: #grumpycatforthewin

I just want to start out by bringing you back to my first blog post this season and say BOOM! Ok, I was pretty damn close and got the top 2. My 3rd pic was in the top 4 because Chris was the pleasantly surprising dark horse that won over ‘Murica. I think between Jimmy Kimmel and I we could write this show.  Jimmy if you are out there? What do you think? 

It is bittersweet that I will be getting my Monday nights back. But without further ado some of the top moments, quotes and thoughts of the night:

1. Where Nick went wrong with wearing his scarfs this seasons….

Bq20HvmCQAAw_7L-337x450

 

 

 

2. Why Nick should have been casted for Des Hartstocks season.     NickV2

 

 

 

3. Setting: On the couch after date back in the hotel room

“I love your little smile” – Josh
   Translation: I love your resting bitchy face

4. When Josh and Andi have a baby this is what will happen, click here
If you don’t get it you need to listen more closely to Josh in between sentences.

5. Viewers are just as tired of poems and memory books of a short 8 week journey as they are of helicopters and private concerts. In fact, women have escalated their fantasy worlds and expectations to include this on what makes a perfect first date. The baseball card may have been the best gift given on the show simply because it was fresh and new. As you all know I love digging up gems on the inter webs as long as it doesn’t provide any spoilers.

Batter up…..Josh Murray. Ladies he “has a good bat”

1589-314346Bk

6. Can someone tell Josh he really hasn’t been waiting 29 years to get married?!?! Who starts counting at age 0-1?

7. Clare we never really needed to see you again. #Gohomeyouredrunk

8. I stand behind Nick and his comments and questions for the night. True even if hard to hear. Telling him not to worry and that she wishes she could say more in response to all the “I love you’s” and his need for understanding mutual feelings are there before getting down on one knee…..Eees not ok.

9. Did anyone else wonder if ABC created man-made rain storms for dramatic effect when Nick got dumped? Is it sad that this is where you mind goes when watching these shows. All faith in “reality tv” has been lost.

10. Andi’s response to Nick’s statement: I hope you are a million percent certain and not  making this decision because you are scared was definitely not answered with a clear “this is over remark”. She replies “Me too”, “Not I am”. WTF. Don’t leave the poor man with ambiguity.

tumblr_m5ofklZkjx1qkz5t6o1_500

However, is Nick really trying to claim he loved every girl he slept with?! Bold statement, Riiiiiight?

11. Chris Harrison asking “Did you love Nick or love parts of Nick? – Quote of the night!

12. Josh’s monologue before proposal “Can I hear an Amen”?! Super nervous and preachy sounding in intonation Josh wins the most awkward delivery of proposal.

13. 3rd hour was unnecessary. The best two parts which could have been edited down to 5 minutes max was Grumpy Cat and Nick calling out Andi on the dirty deeds that went down in the fantasy suite.’

cat

 

14. How I really felt at 8pm on Monday night….

cat 2

15. But one reason I will be ok with Andi’s final rose pic – dance party in the car!!

Until next time folks….enjoy your Monday nights.

photo-4

Ironic timing and placement: this table and rose was found in Sonoma this weekend. A table for two in a corner of the barrel room, one single rose on the table and no food….It’s like they knew I was coming and it was the big finale week.

 

The Rose Update: Blame Iowa!

We managed to survive another week in bachelor history.
Remember this time last year when Andi removed herself from the show because she couldn’t handle Juan Pabs and all his “honesty”!? Oh those were good days. Much more entertaining than a dumbed down attorney that’s doppleganger is grumpy cat. grumpycat

But let’s get this straight we can’t really talk anymore about him being the past bachelor as his new identity is “Random Latino Juan Pablo”.
He’s like legit dumb! (seriously tho click the link, it’s legit dumb)

As a d lister once said on TV tonight (can’t reveal my source because it’s worse than admitting to watching the bach) “you might not be the brightest crayon in the box but at least your in the box”

Ok on to the dates because that’s why we all tuned in right? I hate to say it but I fear Nick might be the one standing at the end for a few simple reasons. Before the dates started Andi briefed us on each man. “Josh he is so easy, positive and giddy….but.” She always seems to have a few buts when talking about Josh. Then she talks about Chris. “Chris is a true gentleman. He takes me away and steps it up like a man, but then there’s Nick.” Without any hesitation and after already covering Nick she goes back to Nick mid briefing of Chris.

But then there is good ol’ ABC editing to fool us.

Nick gets the first date and Andi calls attention to her verteren life as a bachelorette.  “Nick, I love that this is your first helicopter ride” Newsflash Andi, most people don’t have private helicopter rides in their life time let alone multiples. Maybe not unless you are Juan Pabs where they cut the budget on his ass and only got one god awful yet memorable helicopter ride with Clare. #Beenontheshowtoolong

They get to their private island and striped down to jump in the water. Thankfully Andi learned from the last season that dips in the ocean should be in daylight to avoid any confusion for the viewers and unborn children and toddlers that might be watching the show.  BTW, anyone catch what was hanging out of her bathing suit top?!? After uncomfortable babbling on the beach by Nick they go to “dinner”. And by dinner I mean a drink and awkward deliveries of the fantasy suite card.  Andi asks trivial questions like “are you clumsy” showing the world that yes America, ABC does marry people that barely know little things about each other outside of GTD (remove the L because nobody on that show does laundry. D is for drinking). Nick finally musters up courage to tell her he loves her so much so that he wrote a fairytale about it. Albeit actually cute, in context to this show it’s awful. I am curious if he hired someone to do it because the story was typed out. Bitch pick up a pen. Nick tells Andi he wants to talk her ear off in the fantasy suite all night. Is that code for no sex because if a man told me that I would be a little alarmed and worried.  And anyone that knows me…I like to talk. We all know they didn’t just talk because Nick and Andi have the most passionate chemistry.

A haiku to sum it up which I wish I could take credit for:

Nick’s fairy tale (barf)
Earns him a fantasy suite.
Response: “Yeah, I’m down.”

So many more of those here. Thanks Huffington Post!

On to the guy that Andi thinks has so much “personality.” See definition of personality in  pic below.

josh

Josh and Andi have yet another explore the town date. These dates are getting old and the most exciting thing was learning that Josh isn’t as dumb as he looks and can speak spanish fluently. Josh gets up to speed with Nick and says he loves Andi before he even can make it to dinner. Andi asks Josh if he can handle marriage because she is difficult. WTF, Andi have you not seen the size of him. That man can pick you up with two fingers and toss you to the curb if you get nasty. I wouldn’t try and get all princesses of Atlanta on him now.

For those that follow the bach cap convos on twitter JP and Sean probably have the best commentary of all time. Sean poses a great question and one that probably applies to Nick too: “The real question tonight is, how will Josh be able to wear his scarf in the Dominican heat? ” – @seanlowe09

Andi and Josh definitely drink up the liquid viagra they purchased at the market and head to the fantasy suite because Josh is good to go.

I’d love to say last but not least….well not last in my books by any means. Chris don’t be the next bachelor, you are too good for that. The dates starts off with trying to be a little bit country. I find it hard to believe that Andi doesn’t have any say in the dates planned. If that is true and Andi has a say in date activities she is just one sick bitch ridding a horse after two nights in a row of fantasy suites, not to mention the fact that she is terrified of them.

Andi and Chris had such a fun date and she looked so happy. I just don’t understand. She said Iowa is great. Pause, said no one ever. Chris clearly hasn’t seen Forest Gump.

tumblr_mt5b1cmH0q1rbv0tfo1_500
“Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here”

Anyways we know how his date ends…it was a sad day for Chris fans and that’s that.

The last 30 minutes of the show were just painful. Andi just needs to shut up questioning these men won’t accept her rose. They both said I love you. Are you out of your mind?! Then she plays a sick joke on Josh as she calls the first rose, stares at him deep into his eyes puts out the rose but says Nicks name (again another reason I lean toward #nickforthewin).

I mean Andi whats the worst case scenario? You become the next 28 years young Emily Maynard, “fourth engagement is my last I really mean it”

Maybe it’s a San Francisco thing but early 30’s and not one engagement on my score card sounds a lot better than 4.  And I really mean it ; )

#mentellall can’t wait!

 

 

 

The Rose Update: Hometown Buffet

Deep breath ‘Merica! A big sigh of relief that we can all laugh that Chris was being sarcastic (somewhat) about being a homemaker. Don’t worry Andi women now have a place on the farm according to Chris’ mom.

Ok but let’s focus for now on the hometown buffet.

First we go home to be introduced to the Duggar family, errrr sorry I mean Nick’s family.  How one person becomes so cocky and humbled after living in what is probably the size of the K-12 school in Chris’ hometown….has me baffled. Nothing about his hometown visit has me impressed except for Bella’s impeccable interviewing skills and reiteration back to Nick. Balls out Bella!

Nick would have been better off ending the night with the polka jig to cover the fact that he didn’t say the 3 little words that Andi keeps making awful pouty faces for. For a while, I thought that was all she needed to hear from them in order to advance them on to the next rose ceremony. Throw your own thoughts out the window women cause what the hell did we fight for for so many years, right!?!? Andi awaits for the men to make her decisions based on who drops the L bombs first. Until tonight when Marcus, the only one man enough to embrace his emotions and share them out loud gets, sent home. I digress from Nick.

Que the jig.

(And another reason to love Chris even more for all those Farmer Fans out there)

21-polka-hard-funny-meme

Next we fly to Arlington, Iowa the home town of Chris and 757 others. It doesn’t take much to impress Andi as she asks “This is your house? Everybody else has an apartment. I”m impressed. Chris is a real man!” Um Andi have you looked around where you are?! According to Zillow, houses on average in Arlington, IA start as low as $69,500. What?! I’ll take 2. Smart move on  Chris’ part to hire the airplane sky message to diverge Andi’s attention from looking down and having a realization that she is having a “romantic” picnic on acres and acres of dried corn husks.

Reason enough to take Chris to the end to marry: 1. Starting at a young age he believed in going commando on weekends. 2. Apparently his mother says he’s rich but too humble to share that. Oh and 3. Your future family could play ghost in the graveyard games.

Next up we head to the baseball diamond to meet Josh in a place where he can show off that he is just ever so slightly amazing but not awesome enough to make it a career, slightly amazing enough to be first born but not #1 son. He too can’t confess his love but still manages to get the rose based on sex appeal.

Again, I digress this is not about Josh and Andi. In May, Aaron was drafted to the Kansas City Chiefs.

Next up we jet to Texas where everything is bigger and better and that includes Marcus and his attempt to recreate his performance on the first group date with Andi. That’s one way to really get a woman all riled up before meeting your family. Nothing says comfortable first family greeting with sex on the mind. Bad, Bad Marcus, you tease.  Just another normal family meeting followed by the dismissal of another great guy leaving another d-bag on the show and more.

Just when we think we are going to return from commercial break for the rose ceremony we cut to an awful and unnecessarily inappropriate viewing of the folks getting the news of Eric’s passing. Nothing more to say on that note, ABC.

dog face

Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please take this key…..

See you next week in the DR bach fans.