We managed to survive another week in bachelor history.
Remember this time last year when Andi removed herself from the show because she couldn’t handle Juan Pabs and all his “honesty”!? Oh those were good days. Much more entertaining than a dumbed down attorney that’s doppleganger is grumpy cat.
But let’s get this straight we can’t really talk anymore about him being the past bachelor as his new identity is “Random Latino Juan Pablo”.
He’s like legit dumb! (seriously tho click the link, it’s legit dumb)
As a d lister once said on TV tonight (can’t reveal my source because it’s worse than admitting to watching the bach) “you might not be the brightest crayon in the box but at least your in the box”
Ok on to the dates because that’s why we all tuned in right? I hate to say it but I fear Nick might be the one standing at the end for a few simple reasons. Before the dates started Andi briefed us on each man. “Josh he is so easy, positive and giddy….but.” She always seems to have a few buts when talking about Josh. Then she talks about Chris. “Chris is a true gentleman. He takes me away and steps it up like a man, but then there’s Nick.” Without any hesitation and after already covering Nick she goes back to Nick mid briefing of Chris.
But then there is good ol’ ABC editing to fool us.
Nick gets the first date and Andi calls attention to her verteren life as a bachelorette. “Nick, I love that this is your first helicopter ride” Newsflash Andi, most people don’t have private helicopter rides in their life time let alone multiples. Maybe not unless you are Juan Pabs where they cut the budget on his ass and only got one god awful yet memorable helicopter ride with Clare. #Beenontheshowtoolong
They get to their private island and striped down to jump in the water. Thankfully Andi learned from the last season that dips in the ocean should be in daylight to avoid any confusion for the viewers and unborn children and toddlers that might be watching the show. BTW, anyone catch what was hanging out of her bathing suit top?!? After uncomfortable babbling on the beach by Nick they go to “dinner”. And by dinner I mean a drink and awkward deliveries of the fantasy suite card. Andi asks trivial questions like “are you clumsy” showing the world that yes America, ABC does marry people that barely know little things about each other outside of GTD (remove the L because nobody on that show does laundry. D is for drinking). Nick finally musters up courage to tell her he loves her so much so that he wrote a fairytale about it. Albeit actually cute, in context to this show it’s awful. I am curious if he hired someone to do it because the story was typed out. Bitch pick up a pen. Nick tells Andi he wants to talk her ear off in the fantasy suite all night. Is that code for no sex because if a man told me that I would be a little alarmed and worried. And anyone that knows me…I like to talk. We all know they didn’t just talk because Nick and Andi have the most passionate chemistry.
A haiku to sum it up which I wish I could take credit for:
Nick’s fairy tale (barf)
Earns him a fantasy suite.
Response: “Yeah, I’m down.”
So many more of those here. Thanks Huffington Post!
On to the guy that Andi thinks has so much “personality.” See definition of personality in pic below.
Josh and Andi have yet another explore the town date. These dates are getting old and the most exciting thing was learning that Josh isn’t as dumb as he looks and can speak spanish fluently. Josh gets up to speed with Nick and says he loves Andi before he even can make it to dinner. Andi asks Josh if he can handle marriage because she is difficult. WTF, Andi have you not seen the size of him. That man can pick you up with two fingers and toss you to the curb if you get nasty. I wouldn’t try and get all princesses of Atlanta on him now.
For those that follow the bach cap convos on twitter JP and Sean probably have the best commentary of all time. Sean poses a great question and one that probably applies to Nick too: “The real question tonight is, how will Josh be able to wear his scarf in the Dominican heat? ” – @seanlowe09
Andi and Josh definitely drink up the liquid viagra they purchased at the market and head to the fantasy suite because Josh is good to go.
I’d love to say last but not least….well not last in my books by any means. Chris don’t be the next bachelor, you are too good for that. The dates starts off with trying to be a little bit country. I find it hard to believe that Andi doesn’t have any say in the dates planned. If that is true and Andi has a say in date activities she is just one sick bitch ridding a horse after two nights in a row of fantasy suites, not to mention the fact that she is terrified of them.
Andi and Chris had such a fun date and she looked so happy. I just don’t understand. She said Iowa is great. Pause, said no one ever. Chris clearly hasn’t seen Forest Gump.
“Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here”
Anyways we know how his date ends…it was a sad day for Chris fans and that’s that.
The last 30 minutes of the show were just painful. Andi just needs to shut up questioning these men won’t accept her rose. They both said I love you. Are you out of your mind?! Then she plays a sick joke on Josh as she calls the first rose, stares at him deep into his eyes puts out the rose but says Nicks name (again another reason I lean toward #nickforthewin).
I mean Andi whats the worst case scenario? You become the next 28 years young Emily Maynard, “fourth engagement is my last I really mean it”
Maybe it’s a San Francisco thing but early 30’s and not one engagement on my score card sounds a lot better than 4. And I really mean it ; )
#mentellall can’t wait!