The Rose Update: #grumpycatforthewin

I just want to start out by bringing you back to my first blog post this season and say BOOM! Ok, I was pretty damn close and got the top 2. My 3rd pic was in the top 4 because Chris was the pleasantly surprising dark horse that won over ‘Murica. I think between Jimmy Kimmel and I we could write this show.  Jimmy if you are out there? What do you think? 

It is bittersweet that I will be getting my Monday nights back. But without further ado some of the top moments, quotes and thoughts of the night:

1. Where Nick went wrong with wearing his scarfs this seasons….

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2. Why Nick should have been casted for Des Hartstocks season.     NickV2

 

 

 

3. Setting: On the couch after date back in the hotel room

“I love your little smile” – Josh
   Translation: I love your resting bitchy face

4. When Josh and Andi have a baby this is what will happen, click here
If you don’t get it you need to listen more closely to Josh in between sentences.

5. Viewers are just as tired of poems and memory books of a short 8 week journey as they are of helicopters and private concerts. In fact, women have escalated their fantasy worlds and expectations to include this on what makes a perfect first date. The baseball card may have been the best gift given on the show simply because it was fresh and new. As you all know I love digging up gems on the inter webs as long as it doesn’t provide any spoilers.

Batter up…..Josh Murray. Ladies he “has a good bat”

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6. Can someone tell Josh he really hasn’t been waiting 29 years to get married?!?! Who starts counting at age 0-1?

7. Clare we never really needed to see you again. #Gohomeyouredrunk

8. I stand behind Nick and his comments and questions for the night. True even if hard to hear. Telling him not to worry and that she wishes she could say more in response to all the “I love you’s” and his need for understanding mutual feelings are there before getting down on one knee…..Eees not ok.

9. Did anyone else wonder if ABC created man-made rain storms for dramatic effect when Nick got dumped? Is it sad that this is where you mind goes when watching these shows. All faith in “reality tv” has been lost.

10. Andi’s response to Nick’s statement: I hope you are a million percent certain and not  making this decision because you are scared was definitely not answered with a clear “this is over remark”. She replies “Me too”, “Not I am”. WTF. Don’t leave the poor man with ambiguity.

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However, is Nick really trying to claim he loved every girl he slept with?! Bold statement, Riiiiiight?

11. Chris Harrison asking “Did you love Nick or love parts of Nick? - Quote of the night!

12. Josh’s monologue before proposal “Can I hear an Amen”?! Super nervous and preachy sounding in intonation Josh wins the most awkward delivery of proposal.

13. 3rd hour was unnecessary. The best two parts which could have been edited down to 5 minutes max was Grumpy Cat and Nick calling out Andi on the dirty deeds that went down in the fantasy suite.’

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14. How I really felt at 8pm on Monday night….

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15. But one reason I will be ok with Andi’s final rose pic – dance party in the car!!

Until next time folks….enjoy your Monday nights.

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Ironic timing and placement: this table and rose was found in Sonoma this weekend. A table for two in a corner of the barrel room, one single rose on the table and no food….It’s like they knew I was coming and it was the big finale week.

 

The Rose Update: Blame Iowa!

We managed to survive another week in bachelor history.
Remember this time last year when Andi removed herself from the show because she couldn’t handle Juan Pabs and all his “honesty”!? Oh those were good days. Much more entertaining than a dumbed down attorney that’s doppleganger is grumpy cat. grumpycat

But let’s get this straight we can’t really talk anymore about him being the past bachelor as his new identity is “Random Latino Juan Pablo”.
He’s like legit dumb! (seriously tho click the link, it’s legit dumb)

As a d lister once said on TV tonight (can’t reveal my source because it’s worse than admitting to watching the bach) “you might not be the brightest crayon in the box but at least your in the box”

Ok on to the dates because that’s why we all tuned in right? I hate to say it but I fear Nick might be the one standing at the end for a few simple reasons. Before the dates started Andi briefed us on each man. “Josh he is so easy, positive and giddy….but.” She always seems to have a few buts when talking about Josh. Then she talks about Chris. “Chris is a true gentleman. He takes me away and steps it up like a man, but then there’s Nick.” Without any hesitation and after already covering Nick she goes back to Nick mid briefing of Chris.

But then there is good ol’ ABC editing to fool us.

Nick gets the first date and Andi calls attention to her verteren life as a bachelorette.  “Nick, I love that this is your first helicopter ride” Newsflash Andi, most people don’t have private helicopter rides in their life time let alone multiples. Maybe not unless you are Juan Pabs where they cut the budget on his ass and only got one god awful yet memorable helicopter ride with Clare. #Beenontheshowtoolong

They get to their private island and striped down to jump in the water. Thankfully Andi learned from the last season that dips in the ocean should be in daylight to avoid any confusion for the viewers and unborn children and toddlers that might be watching the show.  BTW, anyone catch what was hanging out of her bathing suit top?!? After uncomfortable babbling on the beach by Nick they go to “dinner”. And by dinner I mean a drink and awkward deliveries of the fantasy suite card.  Andi asks trivial questions like “are you clumsy” showing the world that yes America, ABC does marry people that barely know little things about each other outside of GTD (remove the L because nobody on that show does laundry. D is for drinking). Nick finally musters up courage to tell her he loves her so much so that he wrote a fairytale about it. Albeit actually cute, in context to this show it’s awful. I am curious if he hired someone to do it because the story was typed out. Bitch pick up a pen. Nick tells Andi he wants to talk her ear off in the fantasy suite all night. Is that code for no sex because if a man told me that I would be a little alarmed and worried.  And anyone that knows me…I like to talk. We all know they didn’t just talk because Nick and Andi have the most passionate chemistry.

A haiku to sum it up which I wish I could take credit for:

Nick’s fairy tale (barf)
Earns him a fantasy suite.
Response: “Yeah, I’m down.”

So many more of those here. Thanks Huffington Post!

On to the guy that Andi thinks has so much “personality.” See definition of personality in  pic below.

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Josh and Andi have yet another explore the town date. These dates are getting old and the most exciting thing was learning that Josh isn’t as dumb as he looks and can speak spanish fluently. Josh gets up to speed with Nick and says he loves Andi before he even can make it to dinner. Andi asks Josh if he can handle marriage because she is difficult. WTF, Andi have you not seen the size of him. That man can pick you up with two fingers and toss you to the curb if you get nasty. I wouldn’t try and get all princesses of Atlanta on him now.

For those that follow the bach cap convos on twitter JP and Sean probably have the best commentary of all time. Sean poses a great question and one that probably applies to Nick too: “The real question tonight is, how will Josh be able to wear his scarf in the Dominican heat? ” – @seanlowe09

Andi and Josh definitely drink up the liquid viagra they purchased at the market and head to the fantasy suite because Josh is good to go.

I’d love to say last but not least….well not last in my books by any means. Chris don’t be the next bachelor, you are too good for that. The dates starts off with trying to be a little bit country. I find it hard to believe that Andi doesn’t have any say in the dates planned. If that is true and Andi has a say in date activities she is just one sick bitch ridding a horse after two nights in a row of fantasy suites, not to mention the fact that she is terrified of them.

Andi and Chris had such a fun date and she looked so happy. I just don’t understand. She said Iowa is great. Pause, said no one ever. Chris clearly hasn’t seen Forest Gump.

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“Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here”

Anyways we know how his date ends…it was a sad day for Chris fans and that’s that.

The last 30 minutes of the show were just painful. Andi just needs to shut up questioning these men won’t accept her rose. They both said I love you. Are you out of your mind?! Then she plays a sick joke on Josh as she calls the first rose, stares at him deep into his eyes puts out the rose but says Nicks name (again another reason I lean toward #nickforthewin).

I mean Andi whats the worst case scenario? You become the next 28 years young Emily Maynard, “fourth engagement is my last I really mean it”

Maybe it’s a San Francisco thing but early 30′s and not one engagement on my score card sounds a lot better than 4.  And I really mean it ; )

#mentellall can’t wait!

 

 

 

The Rose Update: Hometown Buffet

Deep breath ‘Merica! A big sigh of relief that we can all laugh that Chris was being sarcastic (somewhat) about being a homemaker. Don’t worry Andi women now have a place on the farm according to Chris’ mom.

Ok but let’s focus for now on the hometown buffet.

First we go home to be introduced to the Duggar family, errrr sorry I mean Nick’s family.  How one person becomes so cocky and humbled after living in what is probably the size of the K-12 school in Chris’ hometown….has me baffled. Nothing about his hometown visit has me impressed except for Bella’s impeccable interviewing skills and reiteration back to Nick. Balls out Bella!

Nick would have been better off ending the night with the polka jig to cover the fact that he didn’t say the 3 little words that Andi keeps making awful pouty faces for. For a while, I thought that was all she needed to hear from them in order to advance them on to the next rose ceremony. Throw your own thoughts out the window women cause what the hell did we fight for for so many years, right!?!? Andi awaits for the men to make her decisions based on who drops the L bombs first. Until tonight when Marcus, the only one man enough to embrace his emotions and share them out loud gets, sent home. I digress from Nick.

Que the jig.

(And another reason to love Chris even more for all those Farmer Fans out there)

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Next we fly to Arlington, Iowa the home town of Chris and 757 others. It doesn’t take much to impress Andi as she asks “This is your house? Everybody else has an apartment. I”m impressed. Chris is a real man!” Um Andi have you looked around where you are?! According to Zillow, houses on average in Arlington, IA start as low as $69,500. What?! I’ll take 2. Smart move on  Chris’ part to hire the airplane sky message to diverge Andi’s attention from looking down and having a realization that she is having a “romantic” picnic on acres and acres of dried corn husks.

Reason enough to take Chris to the end to marry: 1. Starting at a young age he believed in going commando on weekends. 2. Apparently his mother says he’s rich but too humble to share that. Oh and 3. Your future family could play ghost in the graveyard games.

Next up we head to the baseball diamond to meet Josh in a place where he can show off that he is just ever so slightly amazing but not awesome enough to make it a career, slightly amazing enough to be first born but not #1 son. He too can’t confess his love but still manages to get the rose based on sex appeal.

Again, I digress this is not about Josh and Andi. In May, Aaron was drafted to the Kansas City Chiefs.

Next up we jet to Texas where everything is bigger and better and that includes Marcus and his attempt to recreate his performance on the first group date with Andi. That’s one way to really get a woman all riled up before meeting your family. Nothing says comfortable first family greeting with sex on the mind. Bad, Bad Marcus, you tease.  Just another normal family meeting followed by the dismissal of another great guy leaving another d-bag on the show and more.

Just when we think we are going to return from commercial break for the rose ceremony we cut to an awful and unnecessarily inappropriate viewing of the folks getting the news of Eric’s passing. Nothing more to say on that note, ABC.

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Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please take this key…..

See you next week in the DR bach fans.

The Rose Update: 2 Truths and a Lie

We jet off to one of my favorite now tainted places, Italy. Andi confidently sets the scene by saying “It’s very hard not to fall in love in Venice,”. Coming from someone who declares herself not very well traveled she could be in Tulsa and fall in love with Chandler Bing (oh the thought of Tulsa always makes me think of Chandler).  I can find a million reasons why Venice is not a city to fall in love: Birds, bird poop, hot summers smell from the canal, more birds……Ok I digress.

Andi takes Nick V to Plazza San Marco in hopes that Josh said one smart thing a few episodes back when he claims being pooped on by a bird is good luck granting her with the luck that Nick V will prove her doubts wrong and or at least mask them with some good ol’ snogging.

After an afternoon on the canal another dinner goes untouched when interrupted by a private concert. I am starting to think that the “stoppppp” drinking game should be replaced with the sour puss duck face drinking game. Every time she listens to the men talk she has this awful expression where her mouth puckers and her eyebrows scowl. It’s starting to make Claire’s open mouth syndrome seem easily forgettable.

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Rather than actually enjoying their meal and finishing a conversation Andi busts out masks to liven up the party and make Nick stop talking. He said enough to make her keep him around another week. And for someone who repeatedly says how she loves how manly he is…. Masks and Masquerade should be more like demasKculinized and not masKuline.

Dear Chris Harrison, I saw the same black mask that Andi has when I was in New Orleans…so ABC take note for all your budget cuts when next season sucks again like last season (Not all blame is to be on Juan Pabs).  Learn to use a balance sheet and even out the private concerts and helicopters would ya? Sincerely your favorite hate to love the bachelor viewer.

Left curious as to why there was not a date card Cody get’s duped as the pet dog of the group and Nick get’s the date because he is “mysterious” and leaves questions on the table. Assholes always finish first for the short term. And this show is not real or long enough to have time for nice guys.

Back at the bat cave Josh M oddly comments on the hotels amenities while Dylan probably doesn’t even notice the soap in the bathroom.

The group date card arrives and Cody realizes his name is not listed. “This date card is kinda my future right now” – says 16 year old Cody

Group date could have been easily been done out in the open with a few cocktails and the game 2 truths and a lie.

Props to Chris for being adorable with the secret admirer love notes. Gotta appreciate a little classic hopeless romantic. Who cares if she found out via the lie detector test. If she has any common sense she will think it’s just as special and a unique way to distract her attention from the meatsicles as I once heard them called recently from another bach cap blogger.

Andi grills Josh on his anti lie detector test attitude. When she wants to be annoyed boy does she turn the switch from duck face mixed with almost tears to …Girrl you don’t know me. Why you got wallz up!?

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Onward and forward to the one on one 6 weeks in the making. The date idea was cute but just wasn’t working for these two in turning up the romantic connection.  Return to sender.

During the dinner Sean Lowes baby on steroids can’t even see the facial queues on Andi’s face that he is about to get the boot. All I could think of as he goes on and on with his rants about Andi ____ Andi _____ And Andi ____(fill in the blank with superlatives cause he lost me) was: Listen Linda Listen.

Whats worse: Watching Cody go home or that my mom texted me during his exit scene and wrote “Oh em gee cameltoe” in response to Andi’s pants. The later is by far worse but I can’t decide what is worse of the worse…that my mom writes Oh Em Gee instead of OMG or that she scouted cameltoe. LOL.

At the rose ceremony pantsapreneur goes home which is not a big shock mainly because I had a tip in an an email from earlier this week. A friend said he was sold at the SF Guardsman Bachelor Auction for 4K to a friend of a friend. Shit that’s like the cost of a helicopter ride or a private concert with a no name band.

Or did Andi find this incredible Vine that JJ created that sent her running for the hills…..brush your hair brotha. Best twitter find of the night!

The best quote of the night (as they tend to be at the end): Have you Evah Fot in the public? 

A resounding YES!

 

The Rose Update: Paisley plaid and stripes

After a week of rose ceremony hiatus Chris Harrison and Andi Dorfman start the night off with a good old couch talk where we realize Andi is replicating Juan Pabs history of falling in love with not one person but many…..rough life. I’m not bitter or anything because I know my single life is much more fulfilling than any of theirs but seriously. I guess you can fall in love with multiple people in a few weeks time when you don’t have any real conversations and all that is exchanged are eye batts, playful hand to arm touches and the ever so infamous coy Stoopppp.

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The dates start in the not so romantic and american friendly country of France.

The two kids from this tiny town known as Atlanta venture off on a one on one date where within the first 5 minutes the phrase “stopppp” is used. Yes it’s a phrase, not a word.

Andi is concerned with not having any depth or knowledge about Josh other than he’s an athlete. Scared to fall for the same stereotypical man Andi falls for time and time again she wants to dig deeper and see if there is anything past that bottle of hair gel and whitestrips.  Let me find all the wrong things with Josh because hes an athlete but yet let me only ask him questions about baseball. I am utterly confused with her tactics of trying to get to know the men more. First she blames Eric for not trying hard enough to get to know her. Now she wants to know more about Josh but doesn’t even prompt him into opening up on his own let alone being direct and asking herself.

Speaking as a woman to all women out there, Indirect women are the worst!

Over another untouched dinner in some unheard of palace all it took was Josh sharing how a girl cheated on him and how he’s saving the “L word” for the person he will marry for Andi to know what the deeper sense of him was?! Are you kidding me? No she can take a deep sigh and say that is exactly what she was looking for to have relief that their chemistry wasn’t just filled with Josh squirming like a girl and making really awkward comments covered up by sticking his tongue down her throat?

Although in an interview with Josh on the abc casting site he provides evidence that there really isn’t much up there for the attorney Andi to dig deeper on:

ABC: If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why?

JOSH: A woman to be with and to have company, a gun to easily kill animals to eat, and a knife to carve them up.

Me Tarzan, You Jane

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Alas the one on one date winds down with ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT!

Seriously another private concert?! The lack of live music last season does not make an overdose of them this season ok. Too much! The closest thing I have ever had to a private concert on a first date was when I guy busted out in sing along style to 80s songs in the car when dropping me off at the end of the night. #abccrushingrealityforyounggirls

On to the group date which was music to my ears because none of them could talk. Until Cody broke the Mime code of silence with the best one liner ever. “I got my mime on my money and my money on my mime!” Guess the roids don’t affect your sense of humor, good to know next time I am dating as I always prefer the thicker stockier men with a sense of humor….but now I know I can have muscle and laughter.

After a brief moment of silence the cat claws and estrogen levels rise at the group cocktail party. Everyone undresses out of their stripes and into their evening wear.

Hands down best couple mash up on the show…..If Marquel and JJ had babies together

ImageAs the manicured claws come out and acquisitions are made to stir things up things get “salty”. Salty!?!

Andi who swears she is there to find true love is more consumed with the gossip floating around that night which so annoying. In summary, JP Rosenbaum (a lost MOT member to the show along with J Mesnick that I will never let down) may have the funniest tweets of anyone all night around this part of the show:

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Back to the french bat cave Brian gets a date card for the last one on one for a date made specifically for me.

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For someone who claims to want to get to know the men left aside from all the kissing Andi “asks” for a first one on one date with Brian where the two go see a movie, an activity where you don’t talk at all. Ok we know why they (Andi / ABC) picked a movie date.  $$ Money talks $$

Which leads me to believe Brian won’t make it to the final 2 + because my guess is Andi has some say in who get’s what type of date and she allowed for PR to trump her date. (Ok maybe I’m reading into this one too much but the show is a stretch for any good material these days….I mean do I dare say Des was more entertaining to watch!?!)

In to the kitchen Brian schools us on the art of cooking Broccoli. Next time I go out restaurant i am going to ask them to prepare my broccoli “in different ways I guess”

Clearly Brian’s lady friends never taught him the art of seduction and ways to a women’s “heart”. I use the term heart loosely if you get my drift.

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More man tears are shed when Andi skips the cocktail party and cuts to the chase. 3 go and too many bros remain.

And in summary the best moment of tonights show was when the bird pooped on Josh. I just watched 2 hours to watch the last 2 minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

The Rose Update: Butter face vs Poker Face

What do you call a group of men in a  hotel bath tub?! The next cast for bachelor pad.

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Come on ride the train and ride it….

On the fast track to the most depressing one on one date ever. Not to make light of the situation that he had to live through hand share. I 100% understand first hand how hard these discussion are at the fore front of trying to establish who you are, what you share or don’t share with people you are dating.

The editing on tonight’s episode is horrible. What in the world do you think the two talked about between the train ride and dinner!? Or was it one of those trains that really only went in a circle an they were on board for 30 minutes.

I know Dylan feels relieved and that he is closer to her now for telling her his bottled up thoughts but in reality what he will learn after he gets kicked off (because he won’t even make top 4 let’s be real) is that the act of him telling her was really something that will help him grow and find happiness for himself not about the relationship to be.

On the court, I was really hoping Tasos would come out in a cheerleading uniform while the men played bball.

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Quote of the night: “We might end up going back to the hotel tonight and eat cereal or whatever losers eat.” – Marquel

On to the final one on one date with Marcus they go on the most unique date idea ever! Conquering fears combined with scaling buildings that include on lookers.  The repelling building date is getting old ABC, come up with new material. At least with Juan Pablo and Nikki they went off the side of some freeway, ghetto but new.  The issue with onlookers was like deja vu to the men spying on Des when she was on the boardwalk floors below the men waiting in the hotel room above.

Awkward.

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Followed by the cutest conversation (purely occurring through fear) Andi just made 80% of viewers go google what Mahjong is.

Tweet of the night: When I’m #TheBachelorette I’ll be sure to tell the producers about my debilitating fear of diamonds and sour patch kids. - @Possessionista 

The date ends with another dinner yet to be touched, a 5 minute discussion which then transitions into yet another private concert with lots of strange mouth wide open shots from Andi. Last season we complained about not enough helicopters and concerts and this season we already have had 3! Yes I am counting Boyz II Men.

Moving on to the rose ceremony we learn Marquel likes a good choke out and Brian does have some balls on the court.

Andi shows us that she is a hot head (which I think we already knew from scenes with Juan Pabs) and makes me think she is more and more out of line. I am definitely going to have to side with Eric on his poker face stance. In my opinion Andi is actually acting a bit like the female version of Juan Pablo at the moment by kissing everyone and acting head over heels for all without showing us any genuine connections with her non verbals etc. Although ABC edited the crap out of this episode to the point I am not sure Andi ever answered any questions or opened up about her own personal life to anyone all season. Again could be due to editing.

Eric saying that Andi seemed a bit closed and had a poker face is not an insult. Andi you want an insult?!

Better a poker face than a butter face!

The end of the episode was strange to watch in light of the situation. That being said the swap of a rose ceremony for an interview with Andi around Erics story and passing is painful and awkward. Not necessary and didn’t add any value as she claims to have felt like she lost family but just 5 minutes ago said they barely knew eachother due to a lack of open communication lines.

 

 

 

 

The Rose Update: NOW that’s what I call music

Week 3 and I see the light (brought to you courtesy of Brett) that the dull dates and raunchy stripper scenes might take a positive turn in this debauchery.

I am going to start today’s post by fast forwarding to the end where I think all of America, not just me, thought this would be such a dramatic ending that led for a justified reason to hold a 2 night 4 hour episode with the most cliff hanger “to be continued” flashing across our screens…..only to find out that it’s just 2 normal episodes back to back?! ABC you better have something good up your sleeve tonight.

You got me!

The first one on one date goes to Nick which I will whole heartedly admit I missed the beginning of because I was more into do my laundry. But I bet I can sum it up with the following: bikes, beach, awkward talks about how this way of dating is unnatural and will take him longer to get used to.

I will say that Andi needs to drop her interrogating questions in a harsh manner and leave those in the courtroom. I know the questions around why someone is still single is a question that us women (and men for that matter) wonder about all the time…but the tone and delivery from Andi in grilling the men is kind of bitchy.  Did she forget she was in their shoes not too long ago? She definitely is being portrayed as a different character this go around then when she was with Juan Pabs.  ABC is dumbing her down for sure.

Fearful of hating the group date I actually loved it’s awfulness! The men depart the bat cave in a rainbow of chubbies to get schooled by none other than NOW that’s what I call music, Volume 3, I’ll make love to you – Boyz II Men.

Eric claims this was the song when he first touched a girls butt. Marquel says that this song made him fall in love so many times in high school. His reaction seeing who they will sing with appears to have to more enthusiasm than any one on one time he has had with Andi. This is what went through my head the second I saw him jump up for Boyz II Men

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The men crucify the song and we confirm that Tasos is definitely Batman’s Robin.

The post concert after party is lame and filled with lots of good one liners like:
“Is black a color?” – Andi in response to Marquel asking what her favorite color is.
Josh doesn’t really need to say much at all to make for the best awkward lines and giggle attacks.

Josh gets the rose because he “opened up the most”…more like he opened up his mouth the most.

Pantsapreneur gets the second one on one date. He was super great and handled the date in good character. Because dressing up as yourself 50 years later is the best idea for a first date said no one ever! On the date she mentions (and not the first time) she is there to find love and “the one” for her. Really!? Why else would you be on this show….oh right to advance your C list acting career.

After some google and Facebook stalking I learned I have a friend in common with Pantsaprenuer being that he is from San Francisco. All I want to know is why he didn’t wear this when he came out of the limo!?!

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Skipping ahead to the rose ceremony where we expect this will be the most drawn out scene of goodbyes…remember we were duped in thinking the rose ceremony is going to be another 2 hours tomorrow…we say goodbye to 2 men that I am happy to see go mixed in with lots of bro drama and testosterone.

The Hairstylist that must be doing some jobs on the side to afford his Christian Louboutin shoes for his walk out the door.

And the Opera Singer cries his way off stage left. I hope we will find out later on he reconnects with Sharleen to be her Panda in a room of brown bears.

And better than I can attempt to sum up the night, Entertainment Weekly Kristien Bawldwin writes:

“Before you take a power nap and hydrate in advance of part two tonight, answer a few questions for me: Will poor Dylan ever get his one-on-one? Who’s more annoying, Andrew or JJ? Why does Andi make a duck face when she’s listening? And am I going deaf or did Andi actually not say “stop”/”stop it” once tonight? (Official “Y’all” Count: 6)”

 

The Rose Update: Stoopppppp

Finally episode two brings back the excitement and nonsense to what has been a dull run at the bachelor. I mean what more can you ask for watching these child brides run out of their mansion in Agoura Hills half naked flailing  around like they just saw batman and robin park the car in the bat cave. No secret foreshadowing or humor there…or is there.  

We went from the last bachelorette with Des where American Apparel sponsored the entire male pastel wardrobe of V necks to the producers sitting down at the drawing board thinking we must bring back the helicopters and private concerts or we will loose the viewers…..cut the budget for clothes. Let’s go topless and have them wear already once worn thongs in a dirty night club in what appears to be the top of the strip mall next to Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood. 

First date card arrives for Eric.  In light of the situation, I will refrain from all debauchery around Eric, #toosoon. In fact, so far I have nothing bad to say on the guy as he seems like one of the more “normal” blokes on the show. 

I would like to first point out you know this date will be good when they park in a red zone and don’t look back. The network is footing the bill on extra staff to move the car, that means choppers are in our future.  Andi and Eric live out what all Californian’s claim to be the states epicness and reason for residency despite high real estate markets. Not it’s not Oxnard strawberries and avocados …..being able to go to so many different climates all in one somewhat short drive.  But in Bachlorette fashion bringing us back to the way it used to be in the good ol’ days, alas, a helicopter swoops in to transport them from sand to snow. We get to see that Andi finally upped her confidence from a one piece to a two piece.  This date reminds me way to much of lip smacking Claire an Juan Pabs date when they danced in the snow in their bathing suits at a private concert.  The date wraps up with another meal that will never get touched. I wish ABC would use ice cream for every meal so we can get a real sense of how much time lapses while they sit at the table not touching their food gazing into each other’s eyes asking horribly awkward questions as you do on any first bad date. Eric shares a really sad story about his time in Syria. Andi chimes in after the story with her annoying voice that sounds like she has a constant cold and asks….I have a question for you….and my first thought / response was her blurting out “If you could have a super power what would it be”. #tinderproblems?! 

Back to the bat cave!

I think that is what I will call the mansion for the rest of the season since it is filled with a bunch of Batman’s and Robins. You following me now with this metaphor? 

This is the worst group date in so many ways. First off it might be the most hypocritical idea ever I have seen on the show. Last season, Andi was the most vocal woman to share her lack of comfort during the photoshoot scene requiring minimal to no clothes and how much she hated that Juan Pabs made her dance because she is not a good dancer….so turn the tables she now makes them do reenact a horrible Magic Mike rendition. The men proceed to get second degree herpes stepping into the building where a leathery one too many times around the block Nick Lachey look alike teaches them some moves to raise money for some charity that they have yet to declare. The only good part about this date was catching Chris Harrison smack some guys ass and looking like he liked it. Date concludes with an over dramatized pool scene not really worth talking about because it leads to Andi hoping the men are all there for the “right reasons”. Queue Soulja Boy

Who wore it best: hands down goes to the Robot tonight! (best exit interview video

Best quote of the night: “What is the worst thing about your parents – Boom!” – Craig

Up next, we have the last one on one date with the dark horse of the show (no pun intended), Chris.  Chris and Andi have what seems to be a nice date at a shitty race track because again ABC must be saving up funds to surprise us with a private concert!  Did anyone else wonder if the old couple were planted and the bow tie came from the same collection where Chris picked his out?

My bachelor fantasies all came true tonight as the producers really took to heart the meaning of go big or go home. The date ends with none other than a private concert by an unknown band that requires the two to dance behind stanchions for crowd control and getting too close to the stage. Speaking of too close their first dance and his cheeky grin seriously made me flash back to 15 year old self at a school dance when my friend who had a crush on me told me he was dedicating the song by Next to me, Too Close as we slow danced. You can’t make this shit up people! 

Roses are handed out and some questionable men stay on for yet another week.  Can’t figure out why Ron get’s the first rose other than she was scared she would forget his name if she waited too long. I mean we sadly all know both he and Marquel will get the boot after 3rd or 4th episode. 

Who didn’t wear it best: Andi’s extensions….

Future predictions: Tasos and Brett will get engaged. And Pantspuener  (I don’t even bother calling him by his name, his new name is Pantspuener) starts a line of ties inspired by Marquel’s ensemble tonight. 

Carl goes out crying and doesn’t get a rose….crying already? Did he even get one on one time with her?! Go ahead Chris and put your head on my shoulder…..oh wait you can’t because I am missing one! #saidnooneever, but Andi

Have you guys seen this #photoshopfail?!

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Stoooppppp (click for the best closer

The Rose Update: Emil is out

Well since we have now seen this same plot and episode more times than necessary there isn’t too much variation in the comic relief either. 

I will start by saying I was never that excited to have Andi be the bachelorette and still stand behind Chris Harrison finding new blood for the show! 

But alas, we are now in a committed relationship with Chris Harrison and Andi Dorfman for weeks to come. 
 
The season started with some major false advertisement with a photoshoot of Andi in front of bookcases of law literature…but I have news for you Andi…you are no practicing law anymore. You are unemployed and might as well put yourself in the same category as “free spirit” or “dog lover” from last season.  
 
Struggling with who my picks should be for the fantasy league because next to Juan Pabs season where the premiere was 2 episodes too long there just was not enough character or moments to have a solid top 3. Not to mention they definitely played the music at the rose ceremony louder and faster than normal which made me super nervous and not able to focus on the precious reactions and stressed faces.  
 
A few key things to take note of from this episode:
  1. The number of bachelors that are sports professionals or have some form of a job that requires pinkies up while sipping on a champagne cocktail, cherry included is insane. It makes up 50% of the house. 
    Sporting professionals (Farming is not a sport, although I will put it in the manual labor manly category, but no points): 6 Hospitality/Food/Events/Hair ok and I’ll just throw Opera singer in there and Pantsaprenuer which is not a word I looked it up: 6 

  2. Being the asshole that I am I was thinking to myself who the hell claims their profession is explorer and coined Eric as Dora the Explorer for the rest of season until it was brought to my attention that no other Eric was walking out of the limo and then I felt like a real asshole knowing the end of that story.  
  3. Tasos should get tossed out of the show. Weeding coordinator!? Really? Not to mention bad move trying to pull the I speak spanish and french move….that is probably the last accent/language Andi wants to hear right know, right? Ees ok. Tasos him out. 
  4. Nick V takes the 1st impression rose….gee…because he probably had the most normal and not so showey routine performance. 
  5. Shocking Emil didn’t make the cut. I mean could you imagine if he made it to the fantasy suites?! Mom and Dad, I had Emil in my fantasy suite. 
  6. Josh B – Best exit interview for first night to boot. He summed it up the show in words that all viewers are probably nodding their heads going yup. Yup that’s the bachelor. As if it were some classy realistic way to find love.  
  7. Chris from season’s past crashes the party and is definitely a set up by ABC. I got super annoyed by the obvious set up and then had a laugh realizing much of the show is staged.  Chris Harrison probably thought Andi was not exciting enough and there are too many flamboyant professionals on this show so we should bring in a man-whore to stir things up. 

  8. Will Andrew the social media marketing live up to Kasey’s hashtag commentary from Des’ season? I would die if we get 1 good # in
  9. Quote of the night: “Look to the black and white cookie!” – Marquel 
    Quote of the night re: Jimmy Kimmel tonight: “Andi just give Emil a try, you might like it” 
  10. Who wore it best / best tweets of the night: ‏@JuanitaChara  - “If you are watching the bachelorette… I present to you… The blonde lord farquaad pic.twitter.com/Sit8nHgw0k

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    Maddie Pavone ‏@maddie_pavone - “i can’t believe kit the American girl got on the bachelorette pic.twitter.com/M3eMRwq47w” 

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#Forthewin Final 3 (with less confidence this season than last season on episode 1)

  • Nick V 
  • Josh M 
  • Marcus 
See you next week for what looks to be a season with lots of man tears.