The Rose Update: Who wants to get horned up with me?!

Thanks for your patience readers. I am back from hiatus.
Taylor Swift, You Wrong! Two is not better than one.

Lets be real the dual for the hot seat and the subjection to weeks of men doing things for the “right reason” has nothing to do with the fact that Chris Harrison didn’t know how to split the vote between the men in the casting call equally liking Britt vs Kaitlyn. Bachelorette seasons never get strong ratings in comparison to the Bachelor.

Last Bachelorette Andi had worse ratings that the degrading latin lover Juan Pabs.
Even at Juan Pablos lowest moment after speaking poorly of gay men had episode ratings with 2.3 million more viewers.

I mean let’s be honest, I don’t (and I hope most of you reading apply here) watch the show to see a bunch of men fight for 1 woman’s attention. The girl drama is where all the meat and train crashing occurs. Episode one and two for the Bachelorette are typically the best until they kick off the drunk assholes. Which already happened in part 1 of a seriously unnecessary 2 part premier.


Sean Lowe I’m sorry I’m not sorry you are disgusted with this and find it super degrading.

Chris Harrison and ABC have to do what they do best, create fabricated love stories with enough drama to keep ratings high. After all folks it is a business….do you think ABC really is ok with forking up the bill to fairytale seasons with no drama year after year?! We all want more helicopter rides and less overnight trips to Bakersfield, no? It’s this or finding out that The Bachelor now has a go fund me page.

Real love here fabricated by ABC producers, 1800flowers and Neil Lane!

Ok so remember that one time I compared Kaitlyn to Crazy Eyes and Britt a Hollywood whore looking for her next break? Awkward moment but here we are.

Now that being said…off with her head! Britt needs to go. You know that girl in high school you hated for no apparent reason and felt like a bad person for thinking such cruel things about a person?! Yeah….


And now some of the most memorable moments before we enter yet another possibly dull Dorfman season.

Before Tuesday night I’m like

Screen Shot 2015-05-18 at 10.15.41 PM

Tonight’s episode minute 1: I’m like when I hear my neighbors across the street in their living room hollering and clapping at a good play that just happened watching Sunday football.

Going back to all the hate and degrading comments about having 2 women…don’t doubt men too much. A pretty face only speaks so much. Class prevails. And Kaitlyn is one class act with the mouth of a sailor. Love!

Picking my top 3 is harder this go around with most of my attention last night on which woman would prevail. The guesses of who will go and stay were based on last nights show to honor my tradition of unsolicited wins of finding the real love.

Men that will get the insta-cut or the 3 day grace period to have some PC class.
Jonathan + a kid and King Koopah Yes I know this is F’d but it’s the truth.
Ian has a chance because he has a sad story…but also because I actually think I might like this guy.

king koopah

Joshua maybe will maybe won’t make it. If it were Britt, 100% no. What goes against him is his Farmer Chris hometown… Which also really begs the question: Where is ABC recruiting men from that they can’t ever find people from real cities with a population of 2 traffic lights +?!

Josh (Not Joshua) Mr “I’m waiting for my final curtain call” when really he is the man behind the curtain. If you don’t get my reference urban dictionary this bad joke.

Jared will not have a chance until he brushes or cuts his hair….and maybe he gets a real grown up job. But after seeing the preview for rest of season baffled by how far it looks like he will make it.

Shawn E – Sorry dude. Nobody likes a wet noodle. But 10 points for creativity.

Clint and David– wait who are you and where did you come from in part 2?

Best Match: Match that should be made post production: Onion Girl and Plant Whisperer, Tony

Cupcake Chris seriously …. amazing


Best Comments: All horned up. Need I say more?

Men to be on the lookout for / top picks:

Could Ben H be our dark horse this season?
She wants to puck JJ for sure!
Shawn B if she can get past the sex appeal and touching in the first 5 mins…but hey who am I to talk.
Ian B
Ben H

What I’m most excited for in the upcoming episodes!? Amy Schumers guest appearance!!

Oh and one cool tid bit…the hotel Brady gets dropped off at to meet Britt is the hotel that got me started in my career and my first real big girl job. So crazy but cool to see that. That’s all.

Ok on that note. Time to get a life until next Monday.

Britt Crying

The Rose Update: Wilted Rose

To my dedicated readers and those that only watched the show to be able to enjoy and follow my commentary (Mom I’m talking to you)….

Sometimes life throws your interesting turns in the road that take you off the one you commute every day. Sometimes you have to just go with it and appreciate the new scenery out the window. Sometimes that road takes you to amazing places and sometimes it’s just another road. And now I just sound super cryptic ; )

This is the first season I feel I have failed you and my passion to creatively write and bash on what some call the best worst version of reality tv brought to us since Real World when reality tv was actually reality tv. That time when things were unscripted and not prompted by a gaggle of producers and “bachelor buddies”.

For those of you that follow me on other forms of social media you see my IG and FB news feeds are flooded with #slomeawayfromhome photos and journeys. My life right now is consumed with exciting and new things that have made it nearly impossible for me to be sitting still Monday nights at 8pm. I feel a blog post 2 or 3 days late is not a true blog post and just a poorly timed rant that nobody will read.

I am sorry for those that sit at their desk Tuesday morning looking for their next fix of The Rose Update. I am still watching the show on very delayed schedules with On Demand in between airplanes (or even on airplanes, but I think the lady next to me was definitely judging me for buying it on iTunes and watching it on the plane).

For now I may have to admit to myself (and you all here publicly) that I need to take a break from writing this season in order to not trip on my own two feet in front of me with this roller coaster of work and personal life. I promise you, you have not lost the fan in me. I will try and write if I can more sporadically and make a big come back next season. Who knows maybe I will start blogging from the road on other non related bach cap topics.

Please don’t loose faith and keep the dream alive with the #farmerandtheho.
And please keep sharing all the great articles and gifs.

Now back to the fog……

Rose Update: When pool parties get depressing

My sincere apologies for missing last weeks post. Hey sometimes real life takes over and you can’t fulfill all your personal obligations. But boy what a week it was. Andi and Josh breakup, Emily Maynard gets knocked up and Nick Viall ironically posts this awkward article on breakup tips one week before the demise of Andi and Josh.


Jimmy Kimmel sets the stage with what America has been doing for years at this point. A dollar jar is now in play for whenever someone says the word “awesome”. This has been in play in households all over the United States for seasons past except dedicated Bachelor Nation’ers replace the dollar jar with shots. Too bad the hens on the show are already drunk without the extra needed shots and move to more tame games with dollars. ABC showed all their cards with the very first one on one date including a helicopter ride so they are most likely in need of some extra funds. Next season watch Chris Harrison announce at commercial break there is a crowd funding page to send the drama queens on an overnight stay that includes helicopters, something to conquer a fear like jumping out of the helicopter and of course the closer…..a B list music group.

Thank you Jimmy….

First up for on a 1:1, Kaityln. 
Arriving at Costco, disgust and horror on Kaitylyn’s face quickly fades once she realizes she can make out in a blow up hamster wheel in the middle of the men’s underwear section and the lady sampling mini hot dogs. They have a “normal” date with Jimmy as he awkwardly sits in on every move making the entire date evidently 100% made up.  Kaitlyn’s bloodshot drunk eyes lead her to say some of the most absurd comments and cackles….oh the cackle…half of comments I believe are her counteracting the presence of 2 men in attempt to try to be a smart ass…except it doesn’t go over so well and just makes her look and sound like a dude. From experience men love to keep around the girl that is fulfills their “dude” role with benefits and boobs but he never marries them.

I call BULLSHIT on so many things that come out of her mouth:

  • Chris: My life is not glamorous. Kaitlyn: That’s what I like about you – BULLSHIT (Said in McConaughey voice)
  • When I dated farmers in the past…ok just one farmer…and he worked with animals…but I like this farmer. BULLSHIT  couldn’t have said it better “Dating a guy who grows pot in his dorm room is not the same as dating a farmer, Kaitlyn.
  • I will not be angry if he sleeps with other women in the fantasy suite because you can’t buy the car without test driving it. BULLSHIT. What planet do you live on?

“This date is totally unrealistic. There are only 5 Costcos in all of Iowa. ” – 

Jimmy puts the girls to work on their group date which leads to more “amazing” faces of disgust and confusion. Frankly, it’s not like any of these girls have real jobs or know what hard work is.

There is so much irony in this date I can’t contain myself.


Jillian sports a shirt that says “Stay Classy” yet her poontang and ass is hanging out so much so that it requires getting the black bar. This might be the first season that has had this much post production sensory editing (must watch that link) Well on wardrobe fails at least.

One of the girls (didn’t catch who) claims that Jillian’s ass hanging out at minimum grabbed the attention of the cows….um they are goats.
And for the other lactose free nameless girl that I can’t recall (I swear there are people on tonight’s episode that crept in the back door), I hate to break it to you but if you are lactose intolerant you can probably handle goats milk.
Amber beautifully sets herself up to not receive a rose tonight and says “It’s warm and salty. Not things I like in my mouth”. There are so many inappropriate things I could say here but will leave it to the imagination of my viewers and the producer that kindly ran from behind the camera to tell Chris what what just went down so he can make a sound decision at the rose ceremony.  Bro’s before Ho’s. #Farmerandtheho
After the competition there are some intense claws that come out for 2 mins of Chris’ attention. Jade steals him away and shows him some fake side boob in stilettos and locks herself in for the next few weeks.
And of course the best screenshot moment of the date goes to #oniongirl when she hears Chris tell the ladies who the group date rose is going to: Carly.


Onward and upward, the second 1:1 date with Whitney is amazing because the cameras were not close enough to pick up the piercing tone in her voice. However, I actually did enjoy this date albeit 100% set up. I mean think about it…if it were real people and a real wedding everyone one of those guests would have had to sign an NDA or some legal documents.

Matching in pink (barf) to getting dressed up in wedding attire was not staged at all….I would love to have known what the “original date plan” was that required so fancy attire to be brought along in their limo from the house. Exactly, no alternate plan was slated.
OMG she did not just say YOLO in reference to pulling the trigger on crashing the wedding. Deal breaker.

It’s only fair that any date should come to an abrupt halt and end if the other person uses “YOLO” seriously. Or at all really  – @kendramckenzie

Do not trust any man that laughs so hard at a women that uses YOLO.

Commercial break brings us back to ABC’s more recently discovered moment of glory: Pool Party before the final rose.
Wet sloppy drunk women worried about their make up running always and playing chicken fight in the pool (oh the irony there of hens playing chicken fight) makes for easier decisions than talking to women in fancy evening gowns with cocktails.

In literal terms the bachelor would look more like this:


Who told Juelia that a pool party is the perfect place to share serious stories about suicide.  Just a awkward and sad all at once. And was Chris even paying attention or was he more concerned with why so many women are wearing sparkly head apparel on this episode. I think I am going to start a tally for the bad accessory trend.

Tears and fears leads us to the Rose Ceremony. 
Chris #fail moment when he says Jade instead of….yeah locked in for the potential final 3
And the 3 that go home:
  • Trina – just because she looked like a train wreck
  • Tracy – who?!
  • Amber – gets the 3rd episode tump from ABC as they can move on and did their due diligence on the culturally diverse quota .

Good bye ladies!

 Screen Shot 2015-01-20 at 7.34.44 AM
Next week on the bachelor…..wait what!? 2 Virgins?
Agghhh can’t contain myself.

The Rose Update: #Farmerandtheho

Queue the live pinterest scenes and stick in the newly chiseled (ABC requirement) Chris Soules, #princefarming: Rustic yet renovated barn scenes, motorcycles in corn fields, outdoor showers, drop in 30 women and there you have it folks … #farmerandtheho


Per the 2013 census Arlington, Iowa has 416 residents. 20.6% are ages 25 to 44 years old. The gender makeup of the city in 2013 was 49.4% male and 50.6% female.

I’m no mathematician but I believe that means only about 42 women are in town (-) the married ones (-) the 40+ (-) not so cute (-) those with profiles on = better odds finding an ice cream man in Arlington.

The drunk hot mess, first night lip locking, and exit scenes clearly happening the next morning when the sun is rising leads us to believe it will be season full of great material to write on #Therightreason

3 hours lost of my life that I will never get back!
Here are tonights highlights as the hens exit the limo (skipping some of the more dull moments and ladies that are not so memorable):


Britt Let’s be honest a waitress from LA is just looking for her next hollywood break, and maybe an awkward public free hug movement. She will make it further than she should but not to the final 3.  Called it on the first impression rose too…I mean obviously.

Whitney the fertility nurse could be a strong front runner I really hope that ABC can’t fund anymore helium tanks for her to suck down before she speaks.

eggs fert
Kelsey – Another strong contender with a sad story on her side makes her more real and “normal” than the show know’s what to do with. Let’s pray for some good editing here and some Charlene like qualities.

Megan – He likes her look – has a chance but can’t tell yet if she will go to the end…so just saying it here incase she does I can have some street cred
McKenzie – Wearing a green dress in honor of her son, dress provided by Kale’s 5 year old girl friend down the street who bedazzled it with a glitter glue stick.

McKenzie’s son in 20 + years.


Amanda – Lives with mom and likes not paying bills…She’s like every other Jewish man still on jdate.

Trina  is prob too smart for Iowa. Finished grad school twice with a 4.0.
Regan  is a biohazard waiting to happen
Tara  the sport fishing enthusiast is probably the most equivalent job to the dog lover and free spirit 2 season ago.  Main difference is that her sports team consists of 3 men: Jack, Johnny and Jim. Tara strolls in her daisy dukes that requires a murph adjustment as she tries to strut her way up the driveway before getting seriously mugged by the judgy ladies and running out the door to change.

Ashley S Let’s just hope the producers told him he has to keep her around a little longer…because I have nothing else nice to say.


According to
Amber can’t live without: teddy bear (and she will leave with her teddy bear)
Nikki can’t live without: carrots (wtf!?)

Ashley I – definite friend zone – wait who is she again? I already forgot. Oh the proclaimed virgin that ties the old scrunchie around the fantasy suite door knob?! Explains the awkward limo exit. Another telling sign is when interviewed on the bachelor website:
“If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do?”
Make him amazing cheeseburgers and watch football with him because that would be fun for me and him.

Last time I checked that is not what impressed my man.

Kaitlyn who will plow the fuck out of his fields will forever more be called Crazy Eyes


Alissa I am going to call it now….Alissa is going to be one the most annoying contestants on the show. Def not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Jordan  I think I might like her if she can stay around long enough. Not sure why but I always trust a girl with a guys name. Maybe it’s because there are less changes for having “i”s to dot with hearts and claim stripper status. Too bad Tara probably stole her mini whiskey bottles.
Brittany – I mean not sure what happened to her in the wardrobe room but love that she admits online her biggest date fear is violent diarrhea…not just diarrhea but violent.
Bo Whoa ABC reaching new quotas enough said
Michelle has two kids and is from Provo Utah so we can probably guess she will be shunned from the church for being on the show and have melt down at some point that she misses her kids and or is breaking her morals and oath to god by some nasty act on the show. Bring it.
Kara – Windsor Fashion called and would like their dress back! 
And the quote of the night: “Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? To find a tight seal” – Kaitlyn

Struggling on the Final 3 per usual but since I have been pretty good the past 2 seasons with guesses I wasn’t sure about…….Here they are #Forthewin

  • Kelsey
  • Whitney
  • Jade
  • Maybe Megan……agghhhh this season I can’t get my finger on the pulse.

Jimmy make me proud this year – Let’s get our picks right together!


The Rose Update: #grumpycatforthewin

I just want to start out by bringing you back to my first blog post this season and say BOOM! Ok, I was pretty damn close and got the top 2. My 3rd pic was in the top 4 because Chris was the pleasantly surprising dark horse that won over ‘Murica. I think between Jimmy Kimmel and I we could write this show.  Jimmy if you are out there? What do you think? 

It is bittersweet that I will be getting my Monday nights back. But without further ado some of the top moments, quotes and thoughts of the night:

1. Where Nick went wrong with wearing his scarfs this seasons….





2. Why Nick should have been casted for Des Hartstocks season.     NickV2




3. Setting: On the couch after date back in the hotel room

“I love your little smile” – Josh
   Translation: I love your resting bitchy face

4. When Josh and Andi have a baby this is what will happen, click here
If you don’t get it you need to listen more closely to Josh in between sentences.

5. Viewers are just as tired of poems and memory books of a short 8 week journey as they are of helicopters and private concerts. In fact, women have escalated their fantasy worlds and expectations to include this on what makes a perfect first date. The baseball card may have been the best gift given on the show simply because it was fresh and new. As you all know I love digging up gems on the inter webs as long as it doesn’t provide any spoilers.

Batter up…..Josh Murray. Ladies he “has a good bat”


6. Can someone tell Josh he really hasn’t been waiting 29 years to get married?!?! Who starts counting at age 0-1?

7. Clare we never really needed to see you again. #Gohomeyouredrunk

8. I stand behind Nick and his comments and questions for the night. True even if hard to hear. Telling him not to worry and that she wishes she could say more in response to all the “I love you’s” and his need for understanding mutual feelings are there before getting down on one knee…..Eees not ok.

9. Did anyone else wonder if ABC created man-made rain storms for dramatic effect when Nick got dumped? Is it sad that this is where you mind goes when watching these shows. All faith in “reality tv” has been lost.

10. Andi’s response to Nick’s statement: I hope you are a million percent certain and not  making this decision because you are scared was definitely not answered with a clear “this is over remark”. She replies “Me too”, “Not I am”. WTF. Don’t leave the poor man with ambiguity.


However, is Nick really trying to claim he loved every girl he slept with?! Bold statement, Riiiiiight?

11. Chris Harrison asking “Did you love Nick or love parts of Nick? – Quote of the night!

12. Josh’s monologue before proposal “Can I hear an Amen”?! Super nervous and preachy sounding in intonation Josh wins the most awkward delivery of proposal.

13. 3rd hour was unnecessary. The best two parts which could have been edited down to 5 minutes max was Grumpy Cat and Nick calling out Andi on the dirty deeds that went down in the fantasy suite.’



14. How I really felt at 8pm on Monday night….

cat 2

15. But one reason I will be ok with Andi’s final rose pic – dance party in the car!!

Until next time folks….enjoy your Monday nights.


Ironic timing and placement: this table and rose was found in Sonoma this weekend. A table for two in a corner of the barrel room, one single rose on the table and no food….It’s like they knew I was coming and it was the big finale week.


The Rose Update: Blame Iowa!

We managed to survive another week in bachelor history.
Remember this time last year when Andi removed herself from the show because she couldn’t handle Juan Pabs and all his “honesty”!? Oh those were good days. Much more entertaining than a dumbed down attorney that’s doppleganger is grumpy cat. grumpycat

But let’s get this straight we can’t really talk anymore about him being the past bachelor as his new identity is “Random Latino Juan Pablo”.
He’s like legit dumb! (seriously tho click the link, it’s legit dumb)

As a d lister once said on TV tonight (can’t reveal my source because it’s worse than admitting to watching the bach) “you might not be the brightest crayon in the box but at least your in the box”

Ok on to the dates because that’s why we all tuned in right? I hate to say it but I fear Nick might be the one standing at the end for a few simple reasons. Before the dates started Andi briefed us on each man. “Josh he is so easy, positive and giddy….but.” She always seems to have a few buts when talking about Josh. Then she talks about Chris. “Chris is a true gentleman. He takes me away and steps it up like a man, but then there’s Nick.” Without any hesitation and after already covering Nick she goes back to Nick mid briefing of Chris.

But then there is good ol’ ABC editing to fool us.

Nick gets the first date and Andi calls attention to her verteren life as a bachelorette.  “Nick, I love that this is your first helicopter ride” Newsflash Andi, most people don’t have private helicopter rides in their life time let alone multiples. Maybe not unless you are Juan Pabs where they cut the budget on his ass and only got one god awful yet memorable helicopter ride with Clare. #Beenontheshowtoolong

They get to their private island and striped down to jump in the water. Thankfully Andi learned from the last season that dips in the ocean should be in daylight to avoid any confusion for the viewers and unborn children and toddlers that might be watching the show.  BTW, anyone catch what was hanging out of her bathing suit top?!? After uncomfortable babbling on the beach by Nick they go to “dinner”. And by dinner I mean a drink and awkward deliveries of the fantasy suite card.  Andi asks trivial questions like “are you clumsy” showing the world that yes America, ABC does marry people that barely know little things about each other outside of GTD (remove the L because nobody on that show does laundry. D is for drinking). Nick finally musters up courage to tell her he loves her so much so that he wrote a fairytale about it. Albeit actually cute, in context to this show it’s awful. I am curious if he hired someone to do it because the story was typed out. Bitch pick up a pen. Nick tells Andi he wants to talk her ear off in the fantasy suite all night. Is that code for no sex because if a man told me that I would be a little alarmed and worried.  And anyone that knows me…I like to talk. We all know they didn’t just talk because Nick and Andi have the most passionate chemistry.

A haiku to sum it up which I wish I could take credit for:

Nick’s fairy tale (barf)
Earns him a fantasy suite.
Response: “Yeah, I’m down.”

So many more of those here. Thanks Huffington Post!

On to the guy that Andi thinks has so much “personality.” See definition of personality in  pic below.


Josh and Andi have yet another explore the town date. These dates are getting old and the most exciting thing was learning that Josh isn’t as dumb as he looks and can speak spanish fluently. Josh gets up to speed with Nick and says he loves Andi before he even can make it to dinner. Andi asks Josh if he can handle marriage because she is difficult. WTF, Andi have you not seen the size of him. That man can pick you up with two fingers and toss you to the curb if you get nasty. I wouldn’t try and get all princesses of Atlanta on him now.

For those that follow the bach cap convos on twitter JP and Sean probably have the best commentary of all time. Sean poses a great question and one that probably applies to Nick too: “The real question tonight is, how will Josh be able to wear his scarf in the Dominican heat? ” – @seanlowe09

Andi and Josh definitely drink up the liquid viagra they purchased at the market and head to the fantasy suite because Josh is good to go.

I’d love to say last but not least….well not last in my books by any means. Chris don’t be the next bachelor, you are too good for that. The dates starts off with trying to be a little bit country. I find it hard to believe that Andi doesn’t have any say in the dates planned. If that is true and Andi has a say in date activities she is just one sick bitch ridding a horse after two nights in a row of fantasy suites, not to mention the fact that she is terrified of them.

Andi and Chris had such a fun date and she looked so happy. I just don’t understand. She said Iowa is great. Pause, said no one ever. Chris clearly hasn’t seen Forest Gump.

“Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here”

Anyways we know how his date ends…it was a sad day for Chris fans and that’s that.

The last 30 minutes of the show were just painful. Andi just needs to shut up questioning these men won’t accept her rose. They both said I love you. Are you out of your mind?! Then she plays a sick joke on Josh as she calls the first rose, stares at him deep into his eyes puts out the rose but says Nicks name (again another reason I lean toward #nickforthewin).

I mean Andi whats the worst case scenario? You become the next 28 years young Emily Maynard, “fourth engagement is my last I really mean it”

Maybe it’s a San Francisco thing but early 30’s and not one engagement on my score card sounds a lot better than 4.  And I really mean it ; )

#mentellall can’t wait!




The Rose Update: Hometown Buffet

Deep breath ‘Merica! A big sigh of relief that we can all laugh that Chris was being sarcastic (somewhat) about being a homemaker. Don’t worry Andi women now have a place on the farm according to Chris’ mom.

Ok but let’s focus for now on the hometown buffet.

First we go home to be introduced to the Duggar family, errrr sorry I mean Nick’s family.  How one person becomes so cocky and humbled after living in what is probably the size of the K-12 school in Chris’ hometown….has me baffled. Nothing about his hometown visit has me impressed except for Bella’s impeccable interviewing skills and reiteration back to Nick. Balls out Bella!

Nick would have been better off ending the night with the polka jig to cover the fact that he didn’t say the 3 little words that Andi keeps making awful pouty faces for. For a while, I thought that was all she needed to hear from them in order to advance them on to the next rose ceremony. Throw your own thoughts out the window women cause what the hell did we fight for for so many years, right!?!? Andi awaits for the men to make her decisions based on who drops the L bombs first. Until tonight when Marcus, the only one man enough to embrace his emotions and share them out loud gets, sent home. I digress from Nick.

Que the jig.

(And another reason to love Chris even more for all those Farmer Fans out there)


Next we fly to Arlington, Iowa the home town of Chris and 757 others. It doesn’t take much to impress Andi as she asks “This is your house? Everybody else has an apartment. I”m impressed. Chris is a real man!” Um Andi have you looked around where you are?! According to Zillow, houses on average in Arlington, IA start as low as $69,500. What?! I’ll take 2. Smart move on  Chris’ part to hire the airplane sky message to diverge Andi’s attention from looking down and having a realization that she is having a “romantic” picnic on acres and acres of dried corn husks.

Reason enough to take Chris to the end to marry: 1. Starting at a young age he believed in going commando on weekends. 2. Apparently his mother says he’s rich but too humble to share that. Oh and 3. Your future family could play ghost in the graveyard games.

Next up we head to the baseball diamond to meet Josh in a place where he can show off that he is just ever so slightly amazing but not awesome enough to make it a career, slightly amazing enough to be first born but not #1 son. He too can’t confess his love but still manages to get the rose based on sex appeal.

Again, I digress this is not about Josh and Andi. In May, Aaron was drafted to the Kansas City Chiefs.

Next up we jet to Texas where everything is bigger and better and that includes Marcus and his attempt to recreate his performance on the first group date with Andi. That’s one way to really get a woman all riled up before meeting your family. Nothing says comfortable first family greeting with sex on the mind. Bad, Bad Marcus, you tease.  Just another normal family meeting followed by the dismissal of another great guy leaving another d-bag on the show and more.

Just when we think we are going to return from commercial break for the rose ceremony we cut to an awful and unnecessarily inappropriate viewing of the folks getting the news of Eric’s passing. Nothing more to say on that note, ABC.

dog face

Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please take this key…..

See you next week in the DR bach fans.

The Rose Update: 2 Truths and a Lie

We jet off to one of my favorite now tainted places, Italy. Andi confidently sets the scene by saying “It’s very hard not to fall in love in Venice,”. Coming from someone who declares herself not very well traveled she could be in Tulsa and fall in love with Chandler Bing (oh the thought of Tulsa always makes me think of Chandler).  I can find a million reasons why Venice is not a city to fall in love: Birds, bird poop, hot summers smell from the canal, more birds……Ok I digress.

Andi takes Nick V to Plazza San Marco in hopes that Josh said one smart thing a few episodes back when he claims being pooped on by a bird is good luck granting her with the luck that Nick V will prove her doubts wrong and or at least mask them with some good ol’ snogging.

After an afternoon on the canal another dinner goes untouched when interrupted by a private concert. I am starting to think that the “stoppppp” drinking game should be replaced with the sour puss duck face drinking game. Every time she listens to the men talk she has this awful expression where her mouth puckers and her eyebrows scowl. It’s starting to make Claire’s open mouth syndrome seem easily forgettable.

clare frogs-legs-date-6-14

Rather than actually enjoying their meal and finishing a conversation Andi busts out masks to liven up the party and make Nick stop talking. He said enough to make her keep him around another week. And for someone who repeatedly says how she loves how manly he is…. Masks and Masquerade should be more like demasKculinized and not masKuline.

Dear Chris Harrison, I saw the same black mask that Andi has when I was in New Orleans…so ABC take note for all your budget cuts when next season sucks again like last season (Not all blame is to be on Juan Pabs).  Learn to use a balance sheet and even out the private concerts and helicopters would ya? Sincerely your favorite hate to love the bachelor viewer.

Left curious as to why there was not a date card Cody get’s duped as the pet dog of the group and Nick get’s the date because he is “mysterious” and leaves questions on the table. Assholes always finish first for the short term. And this show is not real or long enough to have time for nice guys.

Back at the bat cave Josh M oddly comments on the hotels amenities while Dylan probably doesn’t even notice the soap in the bathroom.

The group date card arrives and Cody realizes his name is not listed. “This date card is kinda my future right now” – says 16 year old Cody

Group date could have been easily been done out in the open with a few cocktails and the game 2 truths and a lie.

Props to Chris for being adorable with the secret admirer love notes. Gotta appreciate a little classic hopeless romantic. Who cares if she found out via the lie detector test. If she has any common sense she will think it’s just as special and a unique way to distract her attention from the meatsicles as I once heard them called recently from another bach cap blogger.

Andi grills Josh on his anti lie detector test attitude. When she wants to be annoyed boy does she turn the switch from duck face mixed with almost tears to …Girrl you don’t know me. Why you got wallz up!?



Onward and forward to the one on one 6 weeks in the making. The date idea was cute but just wasn’t working for these two in turning up the romantic connection.  Return to sender.

During the dinner Sean Lowes baby on steroids can’t even see the facial queues on Andi’s face that he is about to get the boot. All I could think of as he goes on and on with his rants about Andi ____ Andi _____ And Andi ____(fill in the blank with superlatives cause he lost me) was: Listen Linda Listen.

Whats worse: Watching Cody go home or that my mom texted me during his exit scene and wrote “Oh em gee cameltoe” in response to Andi’s pants. The later is by far worse but I can’t decide what is worse of the worse…that my mom writes Oh Em Gee instead of OMG or that she scouted cameltoe. LOL.

At the rose ceremony pantsapreneur goes home which is not a big shock mainly because I had a tip in an an email from earlier this week. A friend said he was sold at the SF Guardsman Bachelor Auction for 4K to a friend of a friend. Shit that’s like the cost of a helicopter ride or a private concert with a no name band.

Or did Andi find this incredible Vine that JJ created that sent her running for the hills…..brush your hair brotha. Best twitter find of the night!

The best quote of the night (as they tend to be at the end): Have you Evah Fot in the public? 

A resounding YES!


The Rose Update: Paisley plaid and stripes

After a week of rose ceremony hiatus Chris Harrison and Andi Dorfman start the night off with a good old couch talk where we realize Andi is replicating Juan Pabs history of falling in love with not one person but many…..rough life. I’m not bitter or anything because I know my single life is much more fulfilling than any of theirs but seriously. I guess you can fall in love with multiple people in a few weeks time when you don’t have any real conversations and all that is exchanged are eye batts, playful hand to arm touches and the ever so infamous coy Stoopppp.


The dates start in the not so romantic and american friendly country of France.

The two kids from this tiny town known as Atlanta venture off on a one on one date where within the first 5 minutes the phrase “stopppp” is used. Yes it’s a phrase, not a word.

Andi is concerned with not having any depth or knowledge about Josh other than he’s an athlete. Scared to fall for the same stereotypical man Andi falls for time and time again she wants to dig deeper and see if there is anything past that bottle of hair gel and whitestrips.  Let me find all the wrong things with Josh because hes an athlete but yet let me only ask him questions about baseball. I am utterly confused with her tactics of trying to get to know the men more. First she blames Eric for not trying hard enough to get to know her. Now she wants to know more about Josh but doesn’t even prompt him into opening up on his own let alone being direct and asking herself.

Speaking as a woman to all women out there, Indirect women are the worst!

Over another untouched dinner in some unheard of palace all it took was Josh sharing how a girl cheated on him and how he’s saving the “L word” for the person he will marry for Andi to know what the deeper sense of him was?! Are you kidding me? No she can take a deep sigh and say that is exactly what she was looking for to have relief that their chemistry wasn’t just filled with Josh squirming like a girl and making really awkward comments covered up by sticking his tongue down her throat?

Although in an interview with Josh on the abc casting site he provides evidence that there really isn’t much up there for the attorney Andi to dig deeper on:

ABC: If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why?

JOSH: A woman to be with and to have company, a gun to easily kill animals to eat, and a knife to carve them up.

Me Tarzan, You Jane

mnt tp tarzan

Alas the one on one date winds down with ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT!

Seriously another private concert?! The lack of live music last season does not make an overdose of them this season ok. Too much! The closest thing I have ever had to a private concert on a first date was when I guy busted out in sing along style to 80s songs in the car when dropping me off at the end of the night. #abccrushingrealityforyounggirls

On to the group date which was music to my ears because none of them could talk. Until Cody broke the Mime code of silence with the best one liner ever. “I got my mime on my money and my money on my mime!” Guess the roids don’t affect your sense of humor, good to know next time I am dating as I always prefer the thicker stockier men with a sense of humor….but now I know I can have muscle and laughter.

After a brief moment of silence the cat claws and estrogen levels rise at the group cocktail party. Everyone undresses out of their stripes and into their evening wear.

Hands down best couple mash up on the show…..If Marquel and JJ had babies together

ImageAs the manicured claws come out and acquisitions are made to stir things up things get “salty”. Salty!?!

Andi who swears she is there to find true love is more consumed with the gossip floating around that night which so annoying. In summary, JP Rosenbaum (a lost MOT member to the show along with J Mesnick that I will never let down) may have the funniest tweets of anyone all night around this part of the show:



Back to the french bat cave Brian gets a date card for the last one on one for a date made specifically for me.


For someone who claims to want to get to know the men left aside from all the kissing Andi “asks” for a first one on one date with Brian where the two go see a movie, an activity where you don’t talk at all. Ok we know why they (Andi / ABC) picked a movie date.  $$ Money talks $$

Which leads me to believe Brian won’t make it to the final 2 + because my guess is Andi has some say in who get’s what type of date and she allowed for PR to trump her date. (Ok maybe I’m reading into this one too much but the show is a stretch for any good material these days….I mean do I dare say Des was more entertaining to watch!?!)

In to the kitchen Brian schools us on the art of cooking Broccoli. Next time I go out restaurant i am going to ask them to prepare my broccoli “in different ways I guess”

Clearly Brian’s lady friends never taught him the art of seduction and ways to a women’s “heart”. I use the term heart loosely if you get my drift.


More man tears are shed when Andi skips the cocktail party and cuts to the chase. 3 go and too many bros remain.

And in summary the best moment of tonights show was when the bird pooped on Josh. I just watched 2 hours to watch the last 2 minutes.